Adventures in Craigslist

So recently I posted something on Craigslist asking for someone to come with me to use a buy one entree get one free Hibachi coupon. My post was as follows:

"I have a buy one entree get one free coupon for Hibachi that expires on the 15th so I'd like to use it tonight or sometime soon. I'm looking for a guy to join me who is preferably between around 27-40, smart, at least college educated, someone with the kind of sense of humor that they appreciate Arrested Development, The Daily Show and Colbert Report, 30 Rock, etc. (if you like any of those shows, you get the point). Basically someone that I can have a decent conversation with and a good time platonically, and, if we have a romantic connection maybe we could go out again sometime (and if we don't, we could still just be friends). And as for me, I'm 28, single, live in the city, love animals, have a bachelors degree in sociology, working on getting my real estate license and currently working part time as an office manager in the city and, as you can probably tell, love all the shows listed above. Movie wise: love flicks like Annie Hall, Juno, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Best in Show - and, predictably, am generally more into movies that play at the Ritz, rather than at a conventional theater. Music wise: best way to describe my taste is saying that I like a lot of the stuff on WXPN. Anything else, just ask :)

I hate to add this on, but from previous experience I feel I must: Please do not send me picture of your penis, pictures of you shirtless, or anything like that. Yes I'd like to know what you look like, but I don't need to see your chest or your penis. This is not about sex and you aren't going to convince me to make it about sex, so please, if that's what you are looking for please just spare me the e-mail."

So I got some great responses, some that were just so-so, and thankfully, everyone listened about the photos. While none were completely god-awful, there were definitely some I felt were worth sharing - some because of the individual response, and some that are part of a pattern of responses I've seen. Here we go:

#1 - Attraction is subjective - even if you are Brad Pitt, it's a little presumptuous to refer to yourself as being "very attractive" or something similar. Even if the woman does find you very attractive, she'll likely find your arrogance to be a turn off. Not to mention, most of the guys that have said something like this, I personally have not found very attractive at all. if you want to say something about your looks say something like "I think I'm a decent looking guy," or "most people say I'm pretty cute," then she'll be pleasantly surprised if she does think you are hot, and won't think you are a complete douchebag whether she finds you attractive or not. Case in point:

Title of picture attached to e-mail: "my good looking self.gif"

#2 - Use punctuation:

"hi seen your post and just want to see if you like to maybe chat some and see where things go am a single guy not looking for any games am single and i take care of my self well so if you like to chat get back like to hear from you"

"hi im joe 50 look 35 and seeking a girl that may move and seeks to build new life if interested lets chat u look good to me i think i would suit you very well bye for now joe"

#3 - Don't phrase your e-mail like it's a poem:

"i m omar and interested in knowing more about you
whatcha doing
do u work?
hey what up
i m definitely a non smoker
college educatehows your monday going
good morningd, sweet and not selfish
i like movies, jogging, exercising, travelin and love the beach and
shore not the sand though;-)
whats your name
very much interested in talking more if you have time 4 me:-)
mine is omar
IT manager at PHL, International sales manager and soccer referee at
naval yard in philadelphia
philly/m/29
200lbs
5'9
message me back"

"hi i am very interested in getting to know you
you sound interesting
as for me i am asian
a business man
love to be outdoors
also i like to relax after a lond day of work
i am educated and silly
i also have a romantic sexuall side i am a scorpion so by nature i am passionte
lets get to know each other
tell me about yourself"

#4 - Know the difference between "your" and "you're":

"hi your sexy"

"your really cute I hope I can get to know you"

#5 - Pay attention to your e-mail address: ""

#6 - Use words correctly. We all make mistakes but at least try to proof read or spell check if you are trying to impress someone:

"I like having a simulating conversations over a great meal or wine. If nothing comes out of our dinner I would like to be just friends. I am a fan of movies that play at the Ritz more than at the United Artists. Movies like Thank You for Smoking and Burn After Reading do it for me. As for music I have an ecliptic taste that spans a variety of genres. If its got a good beat/lyrics I will listen. Well if you would like to know more, feel free to write back."

"I 'm single and board."

#7 - Don't send e-mail titled like this: “can i do bad things to you?”

#8 - Don't be so cliche:

"I am Looking for possible friendship leading into a Long-Term
Relationship. I am 5ft 10 inches Tall 190 pounds, Deep green eyes with
brown hair.. I work for the Federal government as a Master Mechanic.
Some things I like to do are long walks on the beach, moonlight dinners
flea markets and yard Sales, always enjoy treating the lady I am with
very special. If you have any questions Please feel free to ask and can
supply a photo upon request. Hope to hear back from you in the near
future, and thank you for reading."

#9 - This is not an ad for a job:

"Greetings..very sweet....seek a lover, as well...let's chat and meet...some pixs attached...Randy/SWM-47...local in delco/philly burbs....N/S, N/D, D/D free, too!
Pls share your first name, age, pixs-links, cell, location and avail to meet...
I can host sometimes, too
100% real and 100% straight!"

[Note: This guy above sent the same e-mail in response to 16 different craigslist ads, three of which had Craigslist e-mails starting with "gig" and three with Craigslist e-mails starting with "serv"]

"I'm an imternational student at CCC.I would like to reply this position please contact me"

#10 - Don't over use exclamation points in really uncecessary places:

"Hi my name is
Paul!I'm 22yo I'm:friendly,good looking,easy going, nice,with great sense of humour,open-minded ,and very serious person!,athletic body, 6"0high!
I'm well mannered,intelegent,know how to respect and treat lady!!
I'm going to medical school,and have a job of lab technician!I'm living in Philadelphia(Northeast), & if you interesting,contact me!Because I'M VERY INTERESTING!That's it!ask me any questions if you have any!bye"

#11 - Just NO (the bold parts are my favorites):

"I liked nick and Noras play list better then juno. I would like to go out to eat sometime. By the way my name is Jim I'm a good looking white male 31 6 ft 170 brn hair blu eyes. I do work I have a good job. also I'm fun to be around and enjoy laughing. If u would like to know more feel free to send me a reply"

"hi
swm 30yrs old 5'8 150lbs,let me tell you more.I live in norristown, I own a car and motorcycles, My hobbies are working on cars and motorcycles going out to get drinks,going for walks,a drive or just staying home and watching a movie or tv. I like certain types of music50's,60's,rock,punk,and hip-hop. Now I am only looking for a friend but also looking for love. Here is alittle about me tell me some stuff about yourself could you send a pic"

"Hi.
My name is abdel, im 28 from west africa n has been here for the past 2
n half years. I saw ur add on craigslist and get interested in the
matter. I will certainly be glad to share some ideas with you during a
night.Holla back if you like what u see."

"Hello my name is Don,and iam from NC,but iam living up here in PA.I like what you said in your ad,so figured i get back with you.Iam not to good with the computer so you will have to work with me.Okay.Just a little about me.Iam a clean cut man that doesnt smoke or drink,love to have fun,and iam looking for a woman to settle down with.So just the little i said i hope i got your attention.Thank you for your time."

*Needless to say, none of the above got responses*

Why being a single woman in Philly sucks

I read stuff about this before but was looking it up again today and found some interesting sites. Basically, there are many more single women in Philly than men. While I assume some of these sites factor in sexual preference, if they don't, that takes away even more men from the pool. Then (for many of us) who would like an educated man (at least a 4-year college degree) or, in lieu of that, at least a guy that even without the degree is smart enough and talented enough to have a decent career path (also, don't get me wrong, just because you have a degree doesn't neccessarily mean you are intelligent!), and you are left with even less. Also, at my age (28) is seems the majority of the single men are in their early 20's or divorced and at least 40+. Ugh.

Philly is #25 out of 36 on this list: Best and Worst Cities to Encounter Single Men

The map on this isn't great, but it's interesting to see the difference between the east and the west coast. According to this 2007 "Singles" map, in the NYC metro area, combined with the Philadelphia metro area there at least 240,000 more single women than men!

And here's a list of the ratio of single men to single women by PA counties. In Philly it's 74 single men for every 100 single women. Again, however, I'm not sure if this takes into account sexual preference. If you are interested, this site also has lists for every state.

Want to share your dating stories/rants?

E-mail me at Bethsoda@comcast.net or send me a message through Facebook

Eh - Harmony

So I'm on eHarmony checking my matches and I have yet another moment of realization that it hardly EVER happens that anyone I am actually even remotely attracted to makes an effort to get in contact with me. Every once in awhile some one who I think sounds smart and looks like someone that I at least possibly could be attracted to responds to me, but it's very rare that that person actually ever takes the initiative. I know this sounds bas of me to say, but it really seems like the only men that are attracted to me are either significantly older than me, meaning 15-20+ years, or overweight - and by this, I mean like a large pudding belly, not just a soft little pudge in the tummy. Now, I have dated guys that are older than me, that is not a problem, but the fact is I do want to settle down someday, get married, have kids, and a 40+ year old who has already been married and divorced and perhaps already has kids, is less likely to want that. In addition, I don't like the idea that by the time my kids were college age, my husband would already be of retirement age! And with the weight thing - I don't need a guy that's all buff and works out all the time or anything, and I don't care if my guy has a little bit of a tummy - hell, my bodies not even close to perfect - but I'm just not into, well, much larger guys. I also get a lot of short guys - really short guys, like who are only an inch to three inches taller than me. I'm only 5'2 but I wear heels a lot and i don't want to be taller than my boyfriend when I'm in heels! Still, at least with the short guys, I know that I have been attracted to guys that were shorter (and not to mention, the short guys equipment (from what I've seen) can sometimes be surprisingly - well, surprising - considering the guys height ;) Still, fact remains that in general I'm attracted to taller guys, like at least say, 5'8" and up. the thing is, I'm not looking for Brad Pitt. In fact when a guy who is above average in attractiveness finds me attractive I'm always astonished - but I'd like to think I'm at least slightly above average in attractiveness. I mean I know I don't take great pictures but do I look so awful that guys just know they could never be attracted to me? In fact recently a guy closed me as an eHarmony match with the reason being "I just don't feel the chemistry is there" (translated I don't think you are attractive at all) and he wasn't even that good looking (at least not in my opinion)! I mean, my self-esteem isn't always exactly the highest - but after certain experiences with this online dating thing I've started thinking that while most of the time on a scale from 1-10 I would place myself somewhere (depending on various factors) between a "5" and a "7" maybe I'm just delusional and I'm really no more than a "5" even when I am looking my best and maybe a "3" at my worst. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself, and I know that logically there are other reasons people don't respond to people in online dating, but still, after days like today, this is how I feel.

For more on online dating being an annoying pain in the ass (yet we keep suffering through it!) check out the Saucy Single Life.

Stormchasers

I've gotta say, I find a couple of the storm chasing guys from Storm Chasers on Discovery to be really hot - especially Reed Timmer and Byron Turk (the TIV Navigator.) I also dug Joel before he and Reed "broke up." Actually Ronan is pretty hot too. Mmm...Storm Chaser boys...

How to Totally Rock a First Date

Obviously there was more there but this is the way it cut off at the bottom of my screen. Priceless...

Mail Order Husbands - this site is hilarious

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

Check out all the tabs - including the Compatibility Quiz!

New Series: Hey, at least I got a free dinner (and drinks!)

So I meet this guy, K, at National Mechanics one night. He's sitting there alone, looking bored and every once in awhile trying (fairly unsuccessfully) to ask the pretty bartender about whether or not she has read a story he apparently sent her. She says no with a look on her face like "for god's sake leave me alone!" I'm bored and waiting for someone and the two of us start talking. Before he leaves he asks for my number and asks if I would like to go out for dinner sometime. He seems nice enough and kind of cute so of course I say yes. Eventually (and to my surprise) he actually does call and confirms our date. We decide to meet at Zento, my favorite sushi place in Old City. While the conversation flows pretty well, he starts it off (and most of it ends up being) about his past dating life and in ways I already feel like we've drifted into more of a friend mode, with me basically playing the therapist. Though it's pretty obvious to me that he's not feeling it all that much with me, nor me with him, we are still having a fine time and we decide to go over to National Mechanics to watch the Phillies. On the way over he starts talking about the bartender that I saw him talking to (and being ignored by) on the night we met. he starts off about how she is so beautiful and great and they've talked a lot and have this amzing connection and she is just beautiful and incredible but she has a boyfriend and the only reason she was ignoring him was because she is afraid of the intensity of her feelings towards him and doesn't think she can really talk to him because of her boyfriend but he knows she's into him because someone has told him. This goes on for pretty much the whole two blocks as we are walking to National Mechanics. Now sure, I knew this probably wasn't going to go anywhere with him, but come on, we are still on a date and you are spending all this time telling me about how great this other woman is and how beautiful she is and how perfect she is to you? I mean, what am I, a consolation prize? I'm the girl you go on a date with because the one you really want has a boyfriend? Plus, talk about being delusional - I highly doubt that she is secretly in love with him and only ignores him because "her feelings towards him are so strong," or whatever. So we're almost there and he sees that I'm a little hurt/pissed and he says - "I guess that was kind of rude, huh?" and I'm like, "kind of rude? You just spent the past few minutes gushing about how wonderful this other girl is - TO YOUR DATE!" Anyway, he apologizes again and asks if he should just go home and (yell at me for this if you want, but I think it's only fair) I say (sort of teasing, but mostly not) that we both want to see the game and it probably wasn't going to work out between us anyway but if he's going to stay, he at least better be buying me drinks! Ha. Anyway, he says that's only fair and, though I'm not exactly the friendliest to him while we're there, at least at first, I figure I might as well just enjoy myself - plus, as I even told him, at the very least it was good blog material!

Adventures in Online Dating: OkCupid Edition

Wow. Since I've started looking around OkCupid again I have e-met some, well, interesting folks. Now, don't get me wrong, there are surprisingly a lot of very cute and seemingly somewhat interesting guys on OkCupid - much more so than PlentyOfFish the other free online dating site. Still, you also find a lot of weirdos.

Guy #1: So the first guy I respond back too is in real estate and lives in the city - he's very cute in all his pictures, his profile is smart, clever and funny. I start talking to him on the OkCupid IM. First thing he tells me about is watching Judge Judy with some crazy ex-girfriend - This leads into talk about excessive jealousy in relationships. Now I'm the type of person that if I'm out with a guy I'm dating and we go into a bar and I happen to know the bouncer or the bartender I will say hi and give them a hug - that's just who I am - it means absolutely nothing. I need a guy who can handle that. Plus, as I told him (and as I've told other guys who have said to me at times - oh, but that guy wants to sleep with you) many guys want to or at least would sleep with almost any even slightly attractive woman. They might or they might not want to but why does it matter when it's never going to happen? I really don't understand the problem*. I started talking about even when you are single how certain men seem to be delusional about their chances with you. I said that it seems like men often overestimate their attractiveness and women often underestimate. He seemed to take great offense to this and said that almost all women think they are hot and good in bed and most of them aren't. I said I didn't agree with that statement although, in general I do feel that if you make a big point of making overarching statements about how good a kisser you are or how good you are in bed (especially men!) you probably aren't, or at least aren't as good as you think you are (see my previous blog about red flags!). Honestly, a lot of it is a matter of how you mesh with the other person. Though I think in general there are some things that people do that are generally thought of as bad (i.e. for kissing: the fish mouth , too much tongue, too much saliva, and for sex: the jackhammer, and the woman that just lies there like a dead fish. Still, some people just like different things and like things done different ways. Still some people just are bad (think the sex in the city where the guy pounds her like a jackhammer and then is mad because she doesn't want to sleep with him again). Anyway, after a little while of this conversation he says something like "Why can't you just let it go? You must just hate men because you think you're bad in bed." I say, "whoa, hold on here #1 - you were the one that brought this topic up, #2 - I was under the impression this was just a friendly discussion, and #3 - I never said anything about whether I thought I was bad or good in bed. Needless to say, that discussion ended there. Frankly I'm not sure why I didn't end it earlier.

*After writing this I went to check out the latest on Shmitten Kitten and came across a post about pretty much this exact thing entitled: "Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Wow, You Really Know A Lot of Guys Here" - Very funny, and very worth checking out!

Guy #2: I am online and get an IM from him. It says "ruff, ruff, I am a human dog." I wouldn't have responded at all, but another (seemingly normal) guy that I am talking too suggests I ask him: "Has that worked in the past or are you trying new material?" He replied with "i like to wear a collar and leash. Just for the sake of curiosity I go to his profile and his headline says: "I am Male Submissive, Puppy Slave, and Rimmer." Basically his profile says much of the same plus a lot of other, um, interesting words and phrases strung together and cut and pasted into every part of the profile. I will not repost it here because god knows I don't want people searching for that stuff and coming to my site!

Guy #3: This is an IM I get today - he just says "hi" to start. I look at his profile. To start, his title is this: "I am loveing, happy, and im good." His profile answers are as follows (and the funny thing is, at the very end he says that he enjoys engaging in intelligent conversation - hmmm...):

My Self-Summary:
I like to dance I'm a good dancer i like to hang out with my friends and the girls i like to go to the movies the mall the bars and the clubs. I love to dance with the girls and my friends like you so if you want to hang out with me than you need to give me you e-mail address or your cell phone number. If you want to talk to me you can give me your cell phone number and i will call you or your e-mail address so i can I'm you or send you e-mail to you What I’m doing with my life
what are you doing with your life?:
i work at a hotel . and when i have free time I'm hang out with my friends and go out with my friends as friends. I’m really good at
I'm a good dancer
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
nothing i don't have a favorite book but i like to read. i like all kinds of music On a typical Friday night I am:
I'm looking for a friend a and someone to meet with me. I like to read i like to dance I'm a good dancer. I like to hang out with my friends. and the girls i like to go to the movies the mall the bars and the clubs. I'm a good dancer i love to dance withe the girls. and my friends like you so if you want to hang out with me. than you need to give me you e-mail address or your cell phone number. if you want to talk to me you can give me your cell phone number. and i will call you or your e-mail address so i can im you or send you e-mail to you. You should message me if
I'm looking for a friend a and im looking for a friend to meet with me meet with me.I enjoy spending time with my close friends, but i also enjoying going out partying. I love to hit the club or a bar. A good drink is necessary.

By the way, i also find it interesting that his describes himself as a very serious catholic who is also very serious about his astrological sign. And, the clincher, under language he puts "English (okay)."

To his credit, at least this one sounds like he's probably a nice guy, just a nice guy who is, well, let's just say I doubt you need "intelligent conversation" with him. I'm surprised he even spelled intelligent right!

Roses From the Wrong Man

This happened to me recently - no roses, but still. I always think I want to have a guy be smitten over me but the problem is, when it happens (and it only does rarely), it's always been with a guy with whom, no matter how hard I try, I just can't return those feelings. The absolute worst is trying to tell them that it's not just that you are not sure that's it's right, it's that you know that it isn't. I've only really had to do this twice, thank god, and both times it's just crushed me, but I knew I had to do it because both were SUCH nice guys and though I tried to give it a chance I realized fairly quickly that romantic feeling just weren't going to develop and it wouldn't have been fair to lead them on or to just disappear. I guess I hate it too because it's been me on the other end so many times and I know damn well how much it can hurt. In a way, this is part of the reason I think I've been broken up with more than I've broken up with people - I've has situations where I've stuck it out to the point where I'm kind of relieved when it happens mostly so that I don't have to be the one to do it. But that was never the right way to deal with things and although it's harder, I guess I'm glad that I'm now better able to say - this isn't right, lets end it before anyone gets REALLY hurt. Anyway, this song kind of says it all:

"Roses From the Wrong Man" by Christine Lavin

She opened the door, surprised to see a deliveryman
Holding a beautiful vase of roses in his hands.
"For me?" she said; he nodded his head.
She took the flowers in and read the note.

(Chorus)
Roses from the wrong man;
Poetry written in the wrong hand.
She waits for one; she hears from another
Who tells her how much he loves her
With roses from the wrong man.

She places the vase in the middle of the living room.
The air is scented with the delicate sweet perfume.
She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes,
Shakes her head slowly and sighs.

(Chorus)

How long can she hold out for someone who might never come around?
And how many times will this other man try when she keeps turning him down?
She's not getting any younger, but she don't want to settle for less.
Oh, how can such a pretty bunch of flowers trigger such deep unhappiness?

Ever since she was 11 or 12 it was her dream
To receive the kind of flowers carried by the homecoming queen.
And sometimes dreams can come true
In ways you don't expect them to.
Sometimes dreams can come true
In ways you don't want them to.
Roses from the wrong man.

Cancer Schmancer

So today I was checking out Schmitten Kitten and I came across this post:

Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: He Might Be Dying Soon (But He Probably Isn't)



Anyhoo, I started to write this as a comment but realized it was more like a story so I figured I might as well just post it here instead.



So a few years ago I ran into a guy I had known to at least a minor extent since I was maybe 2. He was my age, and when he was maybe 4 or something he was diagnosed with Leukemia. My parents were close friends with his parents for awhile and I remember playing over there and the big celebration party when he got better. Through middle school and high school, possibly in part due to all the attention (however relevant that attention was) relished on him when he was a kid, he became a real obnoxious asshole. Suffice to say, I never liked him much. But when I ran into him years after graduating from high school he seemed like a changed guy. We started hanging out and even briefly dated though that didn't last long because he was just TOO intensely cutesy and touchy feely ALL the time, and he did things like writing love poems which I had to pretend were sweet but really just made me want to gag. So while we were dating he told me ALL these stories. He had hiked the Appalacian Trail. He had lived down in Texas (across the lake from one of Sandra Bullocks's houses, he claimed). He had developed brain cancer in high school which was why he left school for awhile, and he had had at least one relapse since then. He had been engaged down in Texas but his fiance died. While in most instances I would have been skeptical that all these stories were true (and I was a little bit), but he did show me pictures, and he seemed so sincere and because I thought he had been through a lot I gave him the benefit of the doubt.



After we broke up, we remained friends and eventually he started dating a girl, moved in with her and fairly rapidly got engaged. I thought it was all a little fast, but at least she seemed nice enough and he seemed happy. Awhile after they were engaged he called me and told me they had broken it off but were still living together until they could find other places. As they had gotten engaged so fast, I believed him. A little while after that he called me sounding really upset. He came over to my apartment down the street from his, and he told me that he had found out his cancer had relapsed and because of all the chemo and treatments he had been trhough in the past the doctor said his body couldn't take anymore and he only had a few more months to live. He said he wasn't going to tell his ex-fiance because she was his ex and he didn't want his parents to know yet. I tried unsuccessfully to convince him to tell them, but he refused and he said I was the only one he had told because I was the only one he trusted. He cried and I cried and we hugged and then he left asnd said he wanted to be alone. The next day I invited him over to just hang out and watch movies to try to destract him and to keep him company. It was then he started getting and handsy and asked if I would "make love to him." Not only did I have a boyfriend at the time, I was too upset and numb to even think about sex - for the two or three weeks I actually believed or kind of believed him, I was too upset to even have sex with my OWN boyfriend, much less him. I told him no, and he got all quiet and said he was going to go for a long walk. The next morning I got a call from my mom who had gotten a call from his mom who had gotten a call from his fiance. Yes, apparently, if they had broken up, at least his parents didn't know about it and maybe neither did she. Apparently he hadn't come home and knowing that at the time I was his best friend, thought I might know where he was. Although he eventually showed back up, at this point I was even more upset and confused and gave in and told my mom with the promise that she wouldn't say anything to his parents. I also called a support center for cancer patients, especially terminal ones, and their friends and loved ones. I was going to try to get myself into a support group, and was going to try to convince him too as well even if he wouldn't tell his parents. I would be the best friend I could be.



So I call and I talk to a counseler for a phone consultation and I tell him the story - everything - he get's quiet, then he says to me, in essence, that it sounded like my friend might be lying. he said, of course, that he couldn't be sure, but that this kind of behavior was actually not uncommon amongst cancer patients and/or cancer survivors. That they would get so used to having ALL this attention that even when they were doing better or were completely fine, they might use cancer, and sometimes dying of cancer, to get more of that attention, to get sex, to get money, drugs, what have you. He encouraged me to try to find out more about the situation and to just be aware that although he could be telling the truth or part of the truth, it also may have basically been an elaborate lie to get back into my pants.



At this point I asked my mother to talk to his parents about what was going on. They told my mother that they knew his doctors and they really didn't think anything was wrong but they would pay attention and would let me know if they found out anything about him REALLY being sick. At this point I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't want the guy who I had thought was one of my best friends to be dying of cancer, but I also didn't want to think that he had lied to me about something SO big and SO serious, KNOWING how I would react, just to maybe have sex with me again? Did I know him at all? Was anything he told me the truth?



I became even more suspicious as time went on and he would call and I would ask him how he was and he's be like "I'm fine! I feel great, why do you ask?" Why do I ask? Umm, because you told me you are DYING OF CANCER. Then I just started avoiding his phone calls and avoiding him. Thought it was getting increasingly here that all signs pointed to lying, how could I just come out and ask him? Hey, are you lying about dying of cancer? Obviously he didn't die. I told his parents that if he ever ACTUALLY was dying of cancer and THEY contacted me, that was the only way I would ever see or speak to him again. They understood why.

Speed Dating Fun?

So last night I decided to try the Schmitten Kitten Mixed Tap Speed Dating at the Khyber. I give the good folks at Schmitten Kitten props for trying something a little bit new speed-dating wise. It was definitely more interesting than other speed-dating events I've been to (I've only been to two before) and, even though I didn't love it, at least it only cost me $5 and that included a free drink (unlike others that cost $25-$35 and don't even give you a drink!).

Good:

1. Again, the price can't be beat - $5 if you sign up before hand, $8 if you don't, plus you get a free drink coupon.

In-Between:

1. The crowd is at least slightly different than regular speed-dating I've been to. It makes it a bit more interesting, but even though I'm sometimes kind of into some more alternative-y guys, they never seem to be to me, so doesn't do me much good.

2. The time for each "date" was MUCH shorter than any other speed dating I've heard of. While in ways this is good, I found (and I think most people agreed) that a minute and a half was TOO short - I think 3 minutes would be ideal - just enough but not too much.

3. The amount of guys - this one leans more towards the bad because there were definitely A LOT less guys than girls - makes the competition stiffer for us. Still, in ways it was good because there were three rounds and many guys repeated rounds giving the girls more of a chance to meet guys they might not have met if there had been more men. Unfortunately though, some of the guys that came around more than once may not have been the ones you might have wanted.

4. While the song idea was cool, the music, at least last night was a little too loud making it somewhat hard to hear.

Bad:

1. While they might do things differently next time, last night they apprently only let the matches know that were winners of the raffle. So even if you did get a match, if you didn't win the raffle you wouldn't even know about it. Seems to sort of defeat the purpose.

2. People that - even if they weren't actually couples - were certainly acting like it - makes it somewhat embaressing for the people that might have chosen that person to then see them basically making out with someone that they obviously haven't just met at the bar.

3. In many ways it's just kind of exhausting, plus it's easy to feel almost triple the rejection. For example, last night the guy I was most interested in had a match with a different girl and they won the gift certificate to Cantina. The second guy I chose, seemed somewhat interested in me, and may have chosen me as one of his matches but he was quite obviously more into a different girl (who fairly obviously couldn't have cared less about him). The third guy I chose I saw after the speed dating talking to a girl who - although they weren't the ones making out at the bar -definitely seemed to be somewhat romantically involved with him.

4. Again, there simply weren't that many guys to choose from and many of them (as it's often seemed to be with speed dating) were the kind of guys that just seem kind of socially inept when it comes to women.


Will I do it again? Perhaps, but only if a friend really wants to go and even then mainly only because it's cheap, and I get a free drink!

Red Flags

1. When a guy says right off the bat that he's a "good" or even a "great" kisser, you can safely assume that he's not.

2. When a guy you have met online sends you a shirtless picture he has taken himself in the bathroom. While this is bad enough, needless to say, the penis shot is even worse.

3. When a guy wants to take you to a strip club on a first date. Even worse when the guy is on a first name basis with pretty much everyone who works there.

4. When a guy you have pretty much just met says things to you like, "You are going to kiss me now" (not after the comment, I'm not) or "I'm going home with you later" (If you ever had ANY chance of getting in my pants at any point in time, you no longer do).

5. When a guy not only says he would never want to have kids because he's too selfish, but also because they might end up being autistic and that even if he was married and they had an autistic child he would leave them both in a heartbeat.

6. When, after the basic first date questions, the silence is so extreme you feel like if you were on a sitcom this is when the laugh track would kick in.

7. When a guy spends most of your first date talking about what a "bitch" and a "whore" his ex is.

8. When you are on vacation with your boyfriend of four months who is 22 and still a virgin (you aren't) who also likes Anne Geddes babies and is obsessed with the Golden Girls and you come out of the bathroom in a red silk number from Victoria's Secret and he says - "It looks soft. I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm going to go to bed."

He's Just Not That Into You - Part II-A

More to come as soon as I get around to it - but for now...

First of all, let’s talk about the relationship between Anna (Scarlett Johansson) and Ben (Bradley Cooper, who is married to Janine played by Jennifer Connelly). To start, I don’t like her character to begin with. She leads her best friend Conner (Kevin Connolly) on, flirting and sleeping with him but never being honest about the fact that she knows damn well she will never be interested in him that way. He’s the back up, the one for her to go to when she feels lonely. While I understand this in ways - many of us have had that person at one time or another, her character goes above and beyond to the point where it’s genuinely keeping him from finding real love because she strings him along. It’s a complicated situation to be sure, but there is a difference between someone who is confused and conflicted - thinking that maybe they should want it, or that maybe if you just stick it out feelings will develop - and someone for whom the motivation is purely selfish. I’ve known people who have done this in the past and it’s a hard thing to see - loving your friend, but hating seeing what their behavior is doing to the other person who may even come to you for answers that you just can’t give. I also don’t like how she goes out of her way to seduce the married guy. While I recognize that there are always reasons behind why women might try to do this (they aren’t excuses, but still) I feel that with her character the motivation is simply more selfish. She doesn’t love him and she wouldn’t even want him if he actually left his wife, and he wouldn’t be happy either. Plus, even if she really did want him too, the “rule” is that married guys rarely leave their wives for another woman. Basically, although I feel like anyone who is like that must have some deeply seeded issues, she simply doesn’t take any responsibility for her bad behavior and instead feels like it’s all completely ok and justified and that I just don’t appreciate.

So now it’s onto him. Cheating is a symptom that something else it wrong. And as in this case, maybe what is wrong is that one person is an asshole. Although she definitely seduces him, ultimately he is the worse of the two for actually cheating - she’s not the one who is married or even attached. And I’m glad that his wife (Janine/Jennifer Connelly) left him in the end. It seems to me they probably never should’ve gotten married in the first place. For one, he just wasn’t ready to get married. She gave him an ultimatum, and because he didn’t want to lose her either, he agreed, but in the back of his head probably always resented the fact that he felt like it wasn’t HIS decision. As Neil (Ben Affleck) says: You are an asshole for not marrying her and then you marry her and you’re an asshole for marrying her before you are ready.”

Now, from here we go into Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck’s) relationship. She also kind of gave him an ultimatum but Neil handled it the right way. He left, and he gave them both time to be on their own and decide what they really wanted. When he came back, it was his decision, and then, more than anything, it was her realizing that she wanted to be with him, regardless of the “stupid piece of paper,” that made him realize that even if he still thought it was a stupid piece of paper, he did want to spend the rest of his life with her, so why be afraid of it? If it’s so “stupid” and you don’t care about it, then why does it matter if you get it because it makes the other person happy? Plus you get a tax break amongst other benefits! I honestly think she should’ve made the ultimatum much earlier - as she mentions, they’ve been together 7 years and she’s been hiding it for five. Although I know that is easier said than done, If you know that that is what you want, why waste your time with someone who says flat out they are never going to give it to you? And why do you invest in an apartment or a car or even a pet - jointly - if you can’t commit to marriage. That’s how I feel at least.

Q&A - John from PA asks...

"I have been talking to a male friend of mine and we are trying to get a grasp on what we call 'the female quarter life crisis'
Somewhere between 19 and maybe 23 girls turn into women. And a lot of things seem to change along the way."

First of all, John, the quarter life crisis is generally defined as happening closer to 25 - while it's not the best reference, this wikipedia article give a general idea of how a quarter-life crisis is defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis - I myself have essentially been in a quarter life crisis for the last 5 or so years! Still, I suppose what you are trying to refer to is simply the fact that women seem to mature faster than men. Still, this "girls becoming women" you speak of, has less to do with an actual quarter life crisis and more to do with the fact that women are actually just growing up and maturing.

"They start having one on one relationships instead of using boyfriends to impress their friends."

Frankly, I'm not even sure where to start with this. I honestly don't believe that most women use boyfriends to "impress" their friends, but maybe these just aren't women I've ever known or been friends with. Do some women see certain types of men as status symbols? Sure, but men do it too, and I think it had little to do with age and more to do with who you are as a person and what you want out of life, and that could be at any age.

"They shift from 'he must know everything' to 'boy do I have to teach him a lot'."

While I don't necessarily agree with this statement, for the sake of trying to answer your question I will say this: When many women are younger we like dating older guys because we think they are more mature. Then we find out that they often aren't. I think a lot of men in their mid-late twenties and even sometimes into their early 30's, still wish they were back at college. These are the men I call over-grown frat boys. They may have jobs and careers, but their emotional level is still on par with an 18 year old. So really it's more that when we are younger and dating an older guy we are more in awe - then we start growing up and we realize there is no reason to be.

"They want less sex and more money spent on them. They get a sense of 'I'm not even going to try that.'"

I don't think it's that they want less sex, as much as they become more discerning about who they sleep with, when they sleep with them, and whether or not they actually want to do anything sexually and that they reserve the right to say no and no be taken advantage of. In regards to money, while I realize that some women are all about the money, for many of us it's just a matter of self-respect. Yes, on a first date, I would appreciate dinner being bought for me. It doesn't have to be fancy, but a trip to the diner doesn't count.

"I've noted some women hit this change as late as 30 in some cases but there's typically some psychological holdup involved. Anyways, my curiosity involves: how does this process look from the woman's side of it. And what relevant changes does it ask of a man looking to date one type or the other (pre-maturation/post-maturation)"

Let's say this: In general, when a man dates a girl who is at least 18 or under (and he is at least 5 years her senior) he does it partially because he has some sort of psychological hold up. This is not to say that this makes him a bad guy - sometimes he's a great guy, but still, there is part of him that likes the "pre-maturation" type. The one that looks up to him, the one that even if she is pretty messed or mature for her age, there is still something innocent about her to them. This also doesn't mean that a relationship can't work out. A friend of mine started dating a 19 year old when he was 25. She was mature for her age, and she was good for him, and now they are married. Still, regardless of how mature she was for her age, he was closer to her age emotionally and that's why it worked. I myself dated three different 23 year olds between the ages of 17 and 18. While they weren't creeps or perverts, and while I was mature for my age (not to mention depressive and extremely jaded) I couldn't possibly be as world weary as even I was at 23 because I still was so young and was relatively innocent in the grand scheme or things. The when I was 19 I met a guy who was literally twice my age (I must throw in that he was an actual rocket scientist - I still think it's cool that I can say I dated a rocket scientist!). We met under very strange circumstances and dated for several months - my parents even met him - they were a bit disturbed by it, especially at first, but even they realized that at the time, he was good to me and for me and me for him. Still I thought a lot about why he was with someone so much younger, and what I concluded was much like what I said above. And on my part, he treated me kinder and was sweeter and more generous (without me even asking - I would argue with him when he tried to give me certain things!) than any guy I've ever dated before or since. And because older men can be that way at times, it adds to the younger woman's awe and appreciation at actually being treated in a way she was always told she should be.

Anyway, my advice to you, John, and your friend, is to try to date women "post-maturation" as you call it. Even if you have fun dating the younger girls, at some point you'll need to grow up, and they aren't always going to be that age. People change. Even if you fell in love with a great younger woman, she too will change and that change might not include you.

Insanely jealous (for absolutely no good reason) girlfriends

So there is this guy - let's call him "T" (just to be clear, his real name doesn't even have a T in it) - I knew T a little in high school and had a crush on him. We made out once - nothing more. When I came back into the area in around 2001, we ran into each other and dated for maybe 3 weeks. We did end up sleeping together and it was only afterwards that he told me I was his first. I was 19, he was 21. I was surprised, and honestly, although he had wanted to and didn't feel bad about it - I kind of did. I at least wish I had known, and if I had would've have had at least had a discussion to him to make sure he was ready. Anyway, not long after, we broke up. It wasn't a big thing, we just realized we probably weren't right for each other, and we remained friendly but never had anything romantic to do with each other again. Supposedly some people in his group of friends were a bit irritated with me that I was the one to have taken his virginity, but he didn't seem to have any issue with it, and it's not like I could take it back!

Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.

Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:

Subject: Warning

"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."

My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.

Anyway, I respond with this:

"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.

I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."

I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!

I just got a response from her:

I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.

And my final reply:

I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.

And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.

I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:

#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.

#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.

Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!

Hot Doctor

So today I had my annual GYN appt. at a new GYN office close to where I live. I normally ask for a woman but on the insurance website it seemed like most of the doctors were women so when I actually FINALLY got an appt. (as we women know, it can take FOREVER - esp. for an annual and esp. if you are a new patient) I didn't think to ask. So there I am, in the room, naked under my lovely coral gown and paper sheet, and who comes in the room as my Dr.? A guy - and not just any guy - a YOUNG HOT guy. So I'm blushing and flustered not just because I was expecting a woman but also because the person who is going to be checking my lady parts is a guy who if I met under any other circumstances I would go out with him in a heartbeat! And while nothing about a GYN appt. is remotely arousing, all I could think was - boy, I'm glad I trimmed down there today, and I hope he likes my breasts! Seriously, I could FEEL how red my face was! The, when he's doing the finger part of the exam, I'm thinking - when this guy is fooling around with a girl - when he fingers her does he check for abnormalities? Can he play with her breasts and not feel for lumps? Would he ever want to go down on a girl when he spends a good portion of the day, every day, looking down there? I wonder if being a GYN would be a plus or minus in the bedroom? Of course maybe he's gay. Is he single? I don't see a ring, but maybe he takes it off for work - that would make sense. Oh my god, he's hot - I wonder if he thinks I'm cute - even if he did he's my doctor now - he couldn't ask me out. That would be weird. On our first date he'd have already seen the goods!

Ask Beth

Asks Ian V. from Facebook: Ian is pondering the chickens and eggs of dating. Do guys like cars just because women do? Do guys play guitar just because women like musicians? Do guys act stupid because women are intimidated by intelligence? Also, why aren't there more recipes that use both chicken and eggs?

Dear Ian:

My thoughts are these. Only some women are impressed by a guy with a fancy car. I pretty much just want a guy to HAVE a car. I honestly do think some guys play guitar because women tend to like it. Problem is, most guys that say they "play guitar" aren't that good at it and take themselves WAY too seriously*. In my experience men don't generally play dumb - rather they often try to act like they are smarter than they are because women are attracted to intelligence - it's one of those biological things - it's programmed into us because our bodies want babies with good genes. Now WOMEN sometimes play stupid, that is for sure!

*Also often the case with poetry. Unless the song/poem is well written and or amusing...well, either way I'd most likely be amused.

The Deli and the Drummer

I just got asked out for a drink by the one Deli guy who works in the building across the way from where I work. The regular guy that is behind the counter was there too, but this guy I hadn't seen before. So I walk in and he gives the flirtatious smile and the "Hi, how you doin', beautiful?" It's cheesy, but I still can't help but blush a little (I am such a dope). I ask him how he is, and he says "Better now that you're here." Now I'm still blushing a little but also rolling my eyes. Anyway, after he makes my sandwich he asks me if I ever go out for drinks after work on Friday's - I say yes and so he asks me to get a drink with him sometime. I say yes. I figure, sure, why not. After all, he is kind of cute (and I can't deny that the knowledge that he's a musician of some sort - and not just a guy who works behind a deli counter - is kinda of sexy - see below* for more about that). So I walk over to the checkout and say hi to the woman that works the register and who I often make small talk with when I go down there. I also tell her that the deli guy asked me out? She and the other woman behind the counter laugh and the one asks if I mind if she makes fun of him - I, of course, say go right ahead! The other woman asks me what I said and I tell her I said sure, why not? She tells me to definitely go for it. But here's the rub. Then the other woman says - he has a girlfriend though. Ugh. Of course he does. I tell her that now she should make fun of him AND scold him for being a bad boy. Still, the whole thing did make me smile, even if I don't get a drink and a date story out of it!

*So while he is making my sandwich and I notice the t-shirt he's got under his deli coat thingy-ma-jig and in the interest of making polite conversation (and small talk, cause is actually is kind of cute) I say "Will drum for food, 'ey?" (if you didn't pick that up already, that's what the t-shirt said). He's says "yeah, I've been drumming for 20 years now." Now a statement like this gets me thinking a few things: I wonder how old he is? Is that dating him? Is this 20 years as an adult or 20 years total? Does he wear a shirt like that just to pick up chicks who are supposed to be impressed that he's a musician? I don't like it if that was his intention, although I'm a complete hypocrite because like many girls, yeah, I find musicians to be sexy. Well, at least if they are good and not TOO cocky about it. But drummers are trouble. Drummers are almost ALWAYS trouble. So are singers - they get too cocky (though I did date one for awhile, who really wasn't cocky at all). Bassists - they are ones that are supposed to be best to date. Less interested in the spotlight. Also less competition - less people throwing themselves at them. With that said, I think my next post will be about dating guys in bands...

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the show Bridezillas and he mentioned this song:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/mr-t-experience-even-hitler-had-a-girlfriend-lyrics.html

My personal favorite song about dating, however, is Blind Dating Fun by Christine Lavin:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/lavin-christine-blind-dating-fun-lyrics.html - and certain lines goes along perfectly with this blog too!

"So I called up all my girlfriends; I said, 'Introduce me, please.You've gotta know someone who's gotta have something in common with me.'" (right? Come on, people! ;)

And my personal favorite line:

"...how many times will I have to tell some stranger my life story? Which gets longer and longer and longer the longer I live on this earth. And how many times, will I pretend, I'm fascinated by the ordinary details of the lives, of the strangers, that I've encountered on my search?"

Bear with me while I'm getting this thing started folks, I'm slowly getting my bearings and figuring out how to do this whole blogging thing. And, as my friend Brendan (check out his blog at www.brendancalling.com) said to me - and I'm paraphrasing (badly) - "Just write. You will look back on your early stuff years from now and hate it, but by the time you get any sort of a following, you'll have gotten better and no one will be going back to read the old stuff anyway." Course, the only problem with that statement is that I honestly hope I won't still be single years from now - here's to hoping!

A note to men (and I'm sure some women as well) about personal hygiene

#1 - Please wear deodorant. I know some people don't sweat a lot, and some are into only the holistic stuff, like that crystal "deodorant," but people, underarm sweat, even if there's not a lot of it - does tend to smell, especially when it gets onto your clothing. Maybe you'll meet someone who doesn't wear deodorant either or who likes the smell of your underarm sweat, but while you are dating, be courteous - a first date that stinks of b.o. tends to turn off most people - be you straight or gay. On that note - check out this video from the Discovery Channel - The Science of Sex Appeal - http://videos.howstuffworks.com/discovery/35982-science-of-sex-appeal-attractive-male-odor-video.htm

#2 - Please brush your teeth - at least on a semi-regular basis. In addition, even if you don't have bad breath (or don't think you have bad breath), flossing, at least occasionally, can really help. I am telling you, that crap that come out from between your teeth, it can smell. Getting a tongue scraper can also help (I learned this from a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode where the guy had really bad breath). It may sound strange but it can help a lot, plus it makes your mouth feel a lot cleaner - especially after a night of drinking!

If you smoke - especially if you are dating non-smokers - please be extra vigilant about oral hygiene. I personally HATE smokers breath, but I have kissed guys that are smokers who you wouldn't even be able to tell if you hadn't seen it!

Lastly, if you have adult braces - not a big deal, but please, clean them well! Extra well! Clean between them and around them. Brush your teeth extra. I once went out with a guy who was a smoker and who had adult braces and had the most disgusting teeth and breath I have seen in quite awhile. Suffice to say, it was a HUGE turn-off.

Thoughts on "He's Just Not That Into You" - Part I

Yes, it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, but damn if I didn't find it entertaining. I have to admit, I do have the book as well, and I absolutely love the episode of Sex in the City where the idea for the book first came from ("Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little" from Season 6). I have to admit, much like Miranda did, I kind of found the idea refreshing. And, as Greg Behrendt says in the book, the fact of the matter is, if they "just aren't that into us" then they just aren't right for us. We women (in general) tend to spend too much time making excuses - I know I've done it before, and I still do (though I've certainly gotten better at doing is less over the years). Still, the biggest problem with this way of thinking is that as pointed out by the co-writer of the book, Liz Tuccillo, it can be REALLY hard to force yourself to think that way - especially when there ARE sometimes slight exceptions (for example, Miranda's date in the aforementioned episode) - or when you know for a fact that the guy really is VERY busy with work, or with his kids, or some such someone legit excuse. Ultimately, however, I suppose it still does go back to another thing Greg says in the book - cell phones can ACCIDENTALLY call someone - how is it that hard to pick up the phone to say - can't really talk now, really busy, but I'm thinking about you, let's get together (or talk) at said time. And if my experience is any indication, it really is true. The scenario I often find myself in goes something (if not exactly) like this:

We have been out anywhere from say 3-6 times over maybe 2 weeks to a month or so and have talked online and/or on the phone back and forth for at least a little bit several times a week in between. Things seem to be going great. We both can't stop smiling when we're together. maybe we've slept together, maybe we haven't (if we have, for the sake of this scenario, let's assume we have, and it's been good). We have another seemingly great date. We talk about when we will probably get together next. I leave smiling. And then a day or two goes by - I don't hear from him. I send an e-mail or maybe a text - still nothing, when he usually gets back right away. Another day goes by. I send a text - wait - still nothing. I start to get nervous. I start to feel stupid. I think, "what did I do wrong?" After the 3 day point - when he's been very attentive before, I am now convinced that he is going to dump me. What I really want to do at this point is say "look, I know this sounds stupid, but if you aren't interested in me anymore, just tell me - I'll be disappointed, but I'll be ok, just do me a favor and let me know." Sometimes in the past I have said this or something like it. I'm trying not to do that anymore*(see bottom of post). So I wait a little longer. Eventually I will likely succumb to the urge and will call and try to leave a generic "just calling to say hi, hope to hear from you soon" message. Every once in awhile he will get in touch somehow and apologize for being M.I.A. but even then, usually the end is near. Even if he wants to meet up, he wants to meet up to give me "the talk." Sometimes he'll do it over the phone. At least once it was e-mail. Most recently it was text. Yes, by text (while I do not in anyway condone this, and still think it was a jack ass move, I'll give him credit for at least not ignoring me forever before he did it - in the case the bandaid was abruptly ripped off, instead of being pulled off slowly. I don't know which is better). There are, of course, several ways to begin the talk, but the basic gist is something like this: "you are a nice girl but..." and whether they say it explicitly or not - even if they also use the "I'm not ready for a relationship" route (which may be true, but still...) the basic gist is - yes, you guessed it - "I'm just not that into you."

In a way, what bothers me the most about these talks, is that most of the time, the guy really does like me enough as a person to feel bad about it, and thus wants to go on and on about how sorry they are, and their reasons, and how they really like me but they just don't feel it, and so on and so forth. I don't want to hear it. I say this to them. As soon as I hear those initial words, I know it. The tears start welling up - and, as it often is with me and tears - they are not just tears for the current situation, they are tears for all the situations before and all that I am sure that there will be in the future. They are tears for the fact that it seems there are less and less people that I meet that I would really WANT to date, and of those it seems, most either are taken, or live far away, or just "aren't that into me." They are tears for the fact that the more and more this happens, the more I fear that I will never find someone who is just as into me as I am into them. At this point, I don't want to hear it. Their decision has been made and that decision does not include me. Does it hurt? Yes, but I don't want someone that doesn't want me. Would they have changed their minds if they had stuck it out? Perhaps, perhaps not, but ultimately, I want more, and I know that, so I tell them I get it and I just need to go, and if they say they want to be friends I say maybe - at some point - but now you have to let me go so I can cry and then shake it off and then try to let it go. Sometimes I do become their friends. Several of my good guy friends are guys that I have had a semi-romantic past with in some way shape or form. If you like them enough to date them, why wouldn't you like them enough to be their friend (in general).

Anyway, that's enough for now - in Part II I'll actually talk some about the movie. At the moment I have to go an do some ACTUAL work. Ugh.


*I was complaining about this kind of thing to my therapist and before I leave she says to me: "Do you remember that book, "Are You My Mother?" I laugh and say "Oh my god, I'm the little bird aren't I," she says, "well, kind of. You want so much to find that person that sometimes you don't let things run their course - you just want to know - do you like me, or not? - while I know you don't want just anyone to be your boyfriend, it's almost like you are that little bird and it can seem like you are going around asking 'Are you my boyfriend? Are you my boyfriend?'" I realize she's right (as she pretty much always is - that's why she's my therapist!). I tell her my new mantra when dating will be "I will not be the little bird!"

Blog suggestions

#1 - If we know eachother or if I just really like your blog, send me the link to it and I'll add it to my page :)

#2 - How irritated would people be if I added ads on the side-bar - apparently you can make free money doing that - and who doesn't love free money!

The state of my dating life - at the moment, non-existant

Hiya all! As many of my friends and even acquaintances know, my dating life tends to suck. It's not that I don't get dates here and there, I do, and sometimes more than others, but the problem is (and believe me, I know I am no where close to being the only one) finding not just a good guy on paper, but a guy with whom our flaws mesh rather than clash.

I have tried MANY different dating sites - match, yahoo, okcupid, plentyoffish, jdate (I know, I'm not really Jewish at all, but figured I'd give it a try!), eharmony, chemistry, bust.com (also linked to nerve and salon and a bunch of other sites) not to mention occasionally trying craigslist, and being on several of these social networking sites (facebook, myspace, friendster). I've had a whole lotta dates, some second, third and even less fourth, fifth and sixth dates, and rarely have actually dated a guy I met online for a few months.

But now I am in a drought. I still have profiles on most of those sites - many that I rarely ever visit, and several are on pay sites where I can't even read my mail without paying crap loads of money that I currently cannot afford to spend on dating sites that within the past year or so have really gotten me nowhere.

So here I am. I am recruiting you, dear friends and acquaintances and friends of friends and acquaintances, to help me - at the very least - to find some dates.

In the next few days I'm going to try to get the word out there about my blog, get feedback, and post all kinds of stuff to help you to help me. Stay tuned!

Sick of being single

So I have officially decided to start a blog dedicated to recruiting my friends and friends of friends to help me find a guy. I have tried the online dating thing numerous times. I've had some success here and there, but lately it's just been a waste of money that I don't really have to spend. So I am reaching out to you, friends, asking you to dig down deep in the recesses of those lovely heads of yours and help me find a guy whose flaws will be compatable with mine (and we all know I'm full of 'em!). I figure, even if it doesn't lead to a boyfriend, I may at least get some fun or interesting or strange or incredible or even terrible dates out of it, and I'll have a forum in which to cathartically spew forth my feelings about dating onto a page. Plus it's another good way to waste my time. Ha.

Anyway, for the time being, while I'm trying to figure out exactly how I want to do this - here's just a few of the places where I have info and pictures and all that other interesting and not so interesting stuff about me:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=fl_104014394392#/profile.php?id=549444392&ref=name

I'll get some more up here soon - myspace (which I rarely use anymore, but has some blogs from awhile ago), match.com, okcupid, yahoo personals, and all that crap, but for now I just want to get up my first post!

Feel free to write/comments on suggestions on anything, including how I may actually be able to make this whole operation work!