"I have been talking to a male friend of mine and we are trying to get a grasp on what we call 'the female quarter life crisis'
Somewhere between 19 and maybe 23 girls turn into women. And a lot of things seem to change along the way."
First of all, John, the quarter life crisis is generally defined as happening closer to 25 - while it's not the best reference, this wikipedia article give a general idea of how a quarter-life crisis is defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis - I myself have essentially been in a quarter life crisis for the last 5 or so years! Still, I suppose what you are trying to refer to is simply the fact that women seem to mature faster than men. Still, this "girls becoming women" you speak of, has less to do with an actual quarter life crisis and more to do with the fact that women are actually just growing up and maturing.
"They start having one on one relationships instead of using boyfriends to impress their friends."
Frankly, I'm not even sure where to start with this. I honestly don't believe that most women use boyfriends to "impress" their friends, but maybe these just aren't women I've ever known or been friends with. Do some women see certain types of men as status symbols? Sure, but men do it too, and I think it had little to do with age and more to do with who you are as a person and what you want out of life, and that could be at any age.
"They shift from 'he must know everything' to 'boy do I have to teach him a lot'."
While I don't necessarily agree with this statement, for the sake of trying to answer your question I will say this: When many women are younger we like dating older guys because we think they are more mature. Then we find out that they often aren't. I think a lot of men in their mid-late twenties and even sometimes into their early 30's, still wish they were back at college. These are the men I call over-grown frat boys. They may have jobs and careers, but their emotional level is still on par with an 18 year old. So really it's more that when we are younger and dating an older guy we are more in awe - then we start growing up and we realize there is no reason to be.
"They want less sex and more money spent on them. They get a sense of 'I'm not even going to try that.'"
I don't think it's that they want less sex, as much as they become more discerning about who they sleep with, when they sleep with them, and whether or not they actually want to do anything sexually and that they reserve the right to say no and no be taken advantage of. In regards to money, while I realize that some women are all about the money, for many of us it's just a matter of self-respect. Yes, on a first date, I would appreciate dinner being bought for me. It doesn't have to be fancy, but a trip to the diner doesn't count.
"I've noted some women hit this change as late as 30 in some cases but there's typically some psychological holdup involved. Anyways, my curiosity involves: how does this process look from the woman's side of it. And what relevant changes does it ask of a man looking to date one type or the other (pre-maturation/post-maturation)"
Let's say this: In general, when a man dates a girl who is at least 18 or under (and he is at least 5 years her senior) he does it partially because he has some sort of psychological hold up. This is not to say that this makes him a bad guy - sometimes he's a great guy, but still, there is part of him that likes the "pre-maturation" type. The one that looks up to him, the one that even if she is pretty messed or mature for her age, there is still something innocent about her to them. This also doesn't mean that a relationship can't work out. A friend of mine started dating a 19 year old when he was 25. She was mature for her age, and she was good for him, and now they are married. Still, regardless of how mature she was for her age, he was closer to her age emotionally and that's why it worked. I myself dated three different 23 year olds between the ages of 17 and 18. While they weren't creeps or perverts, and while I was mature for my age (not to mention depressive and extremely jaded) I couldn't possibly be as world weary as even I was at 23 because I still was so young and was relatively innocent in the grand scheme or things. The when I was 19 I met a guy who was literally twice my age (I must throw in that he was an actual rocket scientist - I still think it's cool that I can say I dated a rocket scientist!). We met under very strange circumstances and dated for several months - my parents even met him - they were a bit disturbed by it, especially at first, but even they realized that at the time, he was good to me and for me and me for him. Still I thought a lot about why he was with someone so much younger, and what I concluded was much like what I said above. And on my part, he treated me kinder and was sweeter and more generous (without me even asking - I would argue with him when he tried to give me certain things!) than any guy I've ever dated before or since. And because older men can be that way at times, it adds to the younger woman's awe and appreciation at actually being treated in a way she was always told she should be.
Anyway, my advice to you, John, and your friend, is to try to date women "post-maturation" as you call it. Even if you have fun dating the younger girls, at some point you'll need to grow up, and they aren't always going to be that age. People change. Even if you fell in love with a great younger woman, she too will change and that change might not include you.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Insanely jealous (for absolutely no good reason) girlfriends
So there is this guy - let's call him "T" (just to be clear, his real name doesn't even have a T in it) - I knew T a little in high school and had a crush on him. We made out once - nothing more. When I came back into the area in around 2001, we ran into each other and dated for maybe 3 weeks. We did end up sleeping together and it was only afterwards that he told me I was his first. I was 19, he was 21. I was surprised, and honestly, although he had wanted to and didn't feel bad about it - I kind of did. I at least wish I had known, and if I had would've have had at least had a discussion to him to make sure he was ready. Anyway, not long after, we broke up. It wasn't a big thing, we just realized we probably weren't right for each other, and we remained friendly but never had anything romantic to do with each other again. Supposedly some people in his group of friends were a bit irritated with me that I was the one to have taken his virginity, but he didn't seem to have any issue with it, and it's not like I could take it back!
Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.
Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:
Subject: Warning
"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."
My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.
Anyway, I respond with this:
"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.
I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."
I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!
I just got a response from her:
I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.
And my final reply:
I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.
And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.
I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:
#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.
#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.
Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!
Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.
Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:
Subject: Warning
"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."
My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.
Anyway, I respond with this:
"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.
I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."
I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!
I just got a response from her:
I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.
And my final reply:
I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.
And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.
I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:
#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.
#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.
Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Hot Doctor
So today I had my annual GYN appt. at a new GYN office close to where I live. I normally ask for a woman but on the insurance website it seemed like most of the doctors were women so when I actually FINALLY got an appt. (as we women know, it can take FOREVER - esp. for an annual and esp. if you are a new patient) I didn't think to ask. So there I am, in the room, naked under my lovely coral gown and paper sheet, and who comes in the room as my Dr.? A guy - and not just any guy - a YOUNG HOT guy. So I'm blushing and flustered not just because I was expecting a woman but also because the person who is going to be checking my lady parts is a guy who if I met under any other circumstances I would go out with him in a heartbeat! And while nothing about a GYN appt. is remotely arousing, all I could think was - boy, I'm glad I trimmed down there today, and I hope he likes my breasts! Seriously, I could FEEL how red my face was! The, when he's doing the finger part of the exam, I'm thinking - when this guy is fooling around with a girl - when he fingers her does he check for abnormalities? Can he play with her breasts and not feel for lumps? Would he ever want to go down on a girl when he spends a good portion of the day, every day, looking down there? I wonder if being a GYN would be a plus or minus in the bedroom? Of course maybe he's gay. Is he single? I don't see a ring, but maybe he takes it off for work - that would make sense. Oh my god, he's hot - I wonder if he thinks I'm cute - even if he did he's my doctor now - he couldn't ask me out. That would be weird. On our first date he'd have already seen the goods!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Ask Beth
Asks Ian V. from Facebook: Ian is pondering the chickens and eggs of dating. Do guys like cars just because women do? Do guys play guitar just because women like musicians? Do guys act stupid because women are intimidated by intelligence? Also, why aren't there more recipes that use both chicken and eggs?
Dear Ian:
My thoughts are these. Only some women are impressed by a guy with a fancy car. I pretty much just want a guy to HAVE a car. I honestly do think some guys play guitar because women tend to like it. Problem is, most guys that say they "play guitar" aren't that good at it and take themselves WAY too seriously*. In my experience men don't generally play dumb - rather they often try to act like they are smarter than they are because women are attracted to intelligence - it's one of those biological things - it's programmed into us because our bodies want babies with good genes. Now WOMEN sometimes play stupid, that is for sure!
*Also often the case with poetry. Unless the song/poem is well written and or amusing...well, either way I'd most likely be amused.
Dear Ian:
My thoughts are these. Only some women are impressed by a guy with a fancy car. I pretty much just want a guy to HAVE a car. I honestly do think some guys play guitar because women tend to like it. Problem is, most guys that say they "play guitar" aren't that good at it and take themselves WAY too seriously*. In my experience men don't generally play dumb - rather they often try to act like they are smarter than they are because women are attracted to intelligence - it's one of those biological things - it's programmed into us because our bodies want babies with good genes. Now WOMEN sometimes play stupid, that is for sure!
*Also often the case with poetry. Unless the song/poem is well written and or amusing...well, either way I'd most likely be amused.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Deli and the Drummer
I just got asked out for a drink by the one Deli guy who works in the building across the way from where I work. The regular guy that is behind the counter was there too, but this guy I hadn't seen before. So I walk in and he gives the flirtatious smile and the "Hi, how you doin', beautiful?" It's cheesy, but I still can't help but blush a little (I am such a dope). I ask him how he is, and he says "Better now that you're here." Now I'm still blushing a little but also rolling my eyes. Anyway, after he makes my sandwich he asks me if I ever go out for drinks after work on Friday's - I say yes and so he asks me to get a drink with him sometime. I say yes. I figure, sure, why not. After all, he is kind of cute (and I can't deny that the knowledge that he's a musician of some sort - and not just a guy who works behind a deli counter - is kinda of sexy - see below* for more about that). So I walk over to the checkout and say hi to the woman that works the register and who I often make small talk with when I go down there. I also tell her that the deli guy asked me out? She and the other woman behind the counter laugh and the one asks if I mind if she makes fun of him - I, of course, say go right ahead! The other woman asks me what I said and I tell her I said sure, why not? She tells me to definitely go for it. But here's the rub. Then the other woman says - he has a girlfriend though. Ugh. Of course he does. I tell her that now she should make fun of him AND scold him for being a bad boy. Still, the whole thing did make me smile, even if I don't get a drink and a date story out of it!
*So while he is making my sandwich and I notice the t-shirt he's got under his deli coat thingy-ma-jig and in the interest of making polite conversation (and small talk, cause is actually is kind of cute) I say "Will drum for food, 'ey?" (if you didn't pick that up already, that's what the t-shirt said). He's says "yeah, I've been drumming for 20 years now." Now a statement like this gets me thinking a few things: I wonder how old he is? Is that dating him? Is this 20 years as an adult or 20 years total? Does he wear a shirt like that just to pick up chicks who are supposed to be impressed that he's a musician? I don't like it if that was his intention, although I'm a complete hypocrite because like many girls, yeah, I find musicians to be sexy. Well, at least if they are good and not TOO cocky about it. But drummers are trouble. Drummers are almost ALWAYS trouble. So are singers - they get too cocky (though I did date one for awhile, who really wasn't cocky at all). Bassists - they are ones that are supposed to be best to date. Less interested in the spotlight. Also less competition - less people throwing themselves at them. With that said, I think my next post will be about dating guys in bands...
*So while he is making my sandwich and I notice the t-shirt he's got under his deli coat thingy-ma-jig and in the interest of making polite conversation (and small talk, cause is actually is kind of cute) I say "Will drum for food, 'ey?" (if you didn't pick that up already, that's what the t-shirt said). He's says "yeah, I've been drumming for 20 years now." Now a statement like this gets me thinking a few things: I wonder how old he is? Is that dating him? Is this 20 years as an adult or 20 years total? Does he wear a shirt like that just to pick up chicks who are supposed to be impressed that he's a musician? I don't like it if that was his intention, although I'm a complete hypocrite because like many girls, yeah, I find musicians to be sexy. Well, at least if they are good and not TOO cocky about it. But drummers are trouble. Drummers are almost ALWAYS trouble. So are singers - they get too cocky (though I did date one for awhile, who really wasn't cocky at all). Bassists - they are ones that are supposed to be best to date. Less interested in the spotlight. Also less competition - less people throwing themselves at them. With that said, I think my next post will be about dating guys in bands...
I was talking to a friend yesterday about the show Bridezillas and he mentioned this song:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/mr-t-experience-even-hitler-had-a-girlfriend-lyrics.html
My personal favorite song about dating, however, is Blind Dating Fun by Christine Lavin:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/lavin-christine-blind-dating-fun-lyrics.html - and certain lines goes along perfectly with this blog too!
"So I called up all my girlfriends; I said, 'Introduce me, please.You've gotta know someone who's gotta have something in common with me.'" (right? Come on, people! ;)
And my personal favorite line:
"...how many times will I have to tell some stranger my life story? Which gets longer and longer and longer the longer I live on this earth. And how many times, will I pretend, I'm fascinated by the ordinary details of the lives, of the strangers, that I've encountered on my search?"
Bear with me while I'm getting this thing started folks, I'm slowly getting my bearings and figuring out how to do this whole blogging thing. And, as my friend Brendan (check out his blog at www.brendancalling.com) said to me - and I'm paraphrasing (badly) - "Just write. You will look back on your early stuff years from now and hate it, but by the time you get any sort of a following, you'll have gotten better and no one will be going back to read the old stuff anyway." Course, the only problem with that statement is that I honestly hope I won't still be single years from now - here's to hoping!
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/mr-t-experience-even-hitler-had-a-girlfriend-lyrics.html
My personal favorite song about dating, however, is Blind Dating Fun by Christine Lavin:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/lavin-christine-blind-dating-fun-lyrics.html - and certain lines goes along perfectly with this blog too!
"So I called up all my girlfriends; I said, 'Introduce me, please.You've gotta know someone who's gotta have something in common with me.'" (right? Come on, people! ;)
And my personal favorite line:
"...how many times will I have to tell some stranger my life story? Which gets longer and longer and longer the longer I live on this earth. And how many times, will I pretend, I'm fascinated by the ordinary details of the lives, of the strangers, that I've encountered on my search?"
Bear with me while I'm getting this thing started folks, I'm slowly getting my bearings and figuring out how to do this whole blogging thing. And, as my friend Brendan (check out his blog at www.brendancalling.com) said to me - and I'm paraphrasing (badly) - "Just write. You will look back on your early stuff years from now and hate it, but by the time you get any sort of a following, you'll have gotten better and no one will be going back to read the old stuff anyway." Course, the only problem with that statement is that I honestly hope I won't still be single years from now - here's to hoping!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
A note to men (and I'm sure some women as well) about personal hygiene
#1 - Please wear deodorant. I know some people don't sweat a lot, and some are into only the holistic stuff, like that crystal "deodorant," but people, underarm sweat, even if there's not a lot of it - does tend to smell, especially when it gets onto your clothing. Maybe you'll meet someone who doesn't wear deodorant either or who likes the smell of your underarm sweat, but while you are dating, be courteous - a first date that stinks of b.o. tends to turn off most people - be you straight or gay. On that note - check out this video from the Discovery Channel - The Science of Sex Appeal - http://videos.howstuffworks.com/discovery/35982-science-of-sex-appeal-attractive-male-odor-video.htm
#2 - Please brush your teeth - at least on a semi-regular basis. In addition, even if you don't have bad breath (or don't think you have bad breath), flossing, at least occasionally, can really help. I am telling you, that crap that come out from between your teeth, it can smell. Getting a tongue scraper can also help (I learned this from a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode where the guy had really bad breath). It may sound strange but it can help a lot, plus it makes your mouth feel a lot cleaner - especially after a night of drinking!
If you smoke - especially if you are dating non-smokers - please be extra vigilant about oral hygiene. I personally HATE smokers breath, but I have kissed guys that are smokers who you wouldn't even be able to tell if you hadn't seen it!
Lastly, if you have adult braces - not a big deal, but please, clean them well! Extra well! Clean between them and around them. Brush your teeth extra. I once went out with a guy who was a smoker and who had adult braces and had the most disgusting teeth and breath I have seen in quite awhile. Suffice to say, it was a HUGE turn-off.
#2 - Please brush your teeth - at least on a semi-regular basis. In addition, even if you don't have bad breath (or don't think you have bad breath), flossing, at least occasionally, can really help. I am telling you, that crap that come out from between your teeth, it can smell. Getting a tongue scraper can also help (I learned this from a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode where the guy had really bad breath). It may sound strange but it can help a lot, plus it makes your mouth feel a lot cleaner - especially after a night of drinking!
If you smoke - especially if you are dating non-smokers - please be extra vigilant about oral hygiene. I personally HATE smokers breath, but I have kissed guys that are smokers who you wouldn't even be able to tell if you hadn't seen it!
Lastly, if you have adult braces - not a big deal, but please, clean them well! Extra well! Clean between them and around them. Brush your teeth extra. I once went out with a guy who was a smoker and who had adult braces and had the most disgusting teeth and breath I have seen in quite awhile. Suffice to say, it was a HUGE turn-off.
Thoughts on "He's Just Not That Into You" - Part I
Yes, it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, but damn if I didn't find it entertaining. I have to admit, I do have the book as well, and I absolutely love the episode of Sex in the City where the idea for the book first came from ("Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little" from Season 6). I have to admit, much like Miranda did, I kind of found the idea refreshing. And, as Greg Behrendt says in the book, the fact of the matter is, if they "just aren't that into us" then they just aren't right for us. We women (in general) tend to spend too much time making excuses - I know I've done it before, and I still do (though I've certainly gotten better at doing is less over the years). Still, the biggest problem with this way of thinking is that as pointed out by the co-writer of the book, Liz Tuccillo, it can be REALLY hard to force yourself to think that way - especially when there ARE sometimes slight exceptions (for example, Miranda's date in the aforementioned episode) - or when you know for a fact that the guy really is VERY busy with work, or with his kids, or some such someone legit excuse. Ultimately, however, I suppose it still does go back to another thing Greg says in the book - cell phones can ACCIDENTALLY call someone - how is it that hard to pick up the phone to say - can't really talk now, really busy, but I'm thinking about you, let's get together (or talk) at said time. And if my experience is any indication, it really is true. The scenario I often find myself in goes something (if not exactly) like this:
We have been out anywhere from say 3-6 times over maybe 2 weeks to a month or so and have talked online and/or on the phone back and forth for at least a little bit several times a week in between. Things seem to be going great. We both can't stop smiling when we're together. maybe we've slept together, maybe we haven't (if we have, for the sake of this scenario, let's assume we have, and it's been good). We have another seemingly great date. We talk about when we will probably get together next. I leave smiling. And then a day or two goes by - I don't hear from him. I send an e-mail or maybe a text - still nothing, when he usually gets back right away. Another day goes by. I send a text - wait - still nothing. I start to get nervous. I start to feel stupid. I think, "what did I do wrong?" After the 3 day point - when he's been very attentive before, I am now convinced that he is going to dump me. What I really want to do at this point is say "look, I know this sounds stupid, but if you aren't interested in me anymore, just tell me - I'll be disappointed, but I'll be ok, just do me a favor and let me know." Sometimes in the past I have said this or something like it. I'm trying not to do that anymore*(see bottom of post). So I wait a little longer. Eventually I will likely succumb to the urge and will call and try to leave a generic "just calling to say hi, hope to hear from you soon" message. Every once in awhile he will get in touch somehow and apologize for being M.I.A. but even then, usually the end is near. Even if he wants to meet up, he wants to meet up to give me "the talk." Sometimes he'll do it over the phone. At least once it was e-mail. Most recently it was text. Yes, by text (while I do not in anyway condone this, and still think it was a jack ass move, I'll give him credit for at least not ignoring me forever before he did it - in the case the bandaid was abruptly ripped off, instead of being pulled off slowly. I don't know which is better). There are, of course, several ways to begin the talk, but the basic gist is something like this: "you are a nice girl but..." and whether they say it explicitly or not - even if they also use the "I'm not ready for a relationship" route (which may be true, but still...) the basic gist is - yes, you guessed it - "I'm just not that into you."
In a way, what bothers me the most about these talks, is that most of the time, the guy really does like me enough as a person to feel bad about it, and thus wants to go on and on about how sorry they are, and their reasons, and how they really like me but they just don't feel it, and so on and so forth. I don't want to hear it. I say this to them. As soon as I hear those initial words, I know it. The tears start welling up - and, as it often is with me and tears - they are not just tears for the current situation, they are tears for all the situations before and all that I am sure that there will be in the future. They are tears for the fact that it seems there are less and less people that I meet that I would really WANT to date, and of those it seems, most either are taken, or live far away, or just "aren't that into me." They are tears for the fact that the more and more this happens, the more I fear that I will never find someone who is just as into me as I am into them. At this point, I don't want to hear it. Their decision has been made and that decision does not include me. Does it hurt? Yes, but I don't want someone that doesn't want me. Would they have changed their minds if they had stuck it out? Perhaps, perhaps not, but ultimately, I want more, and I know that, so I tell them I get it and I just need to go, and if they say they want to be friends I say maybe - at some point - but now you have to let me go so I can cry and then shake it off and then try to let it go. Sometimes I do become their friends. Several of my good guy friends are guys that I have had a semi-romantic past with in some way shape or form. If you like them enough to date them, why wouldn't you like them enough to be their friend (in general).
Anyway, that's enough for now - in Part II I'll actually talk some about the movie. At the moment I have to go an do some ACTUAL work. Ugh.
*I was complaining about this kind of thing to my therapist and before I leave she says to me: "Do you remember that book, "Are You My Mother?" I laugh and say "Oh my god, I'm the little bird aren't I," she says, "well, kind of. You want so much to find that person that sometimes you don't let things run their course - you just want to know - do you like me, or not? - while I know you don't want just anyone to be your boyfriend, it's almost like you are that little bird and it can seem like you are going around asking 'Are you my boyfriend? Are you my boyfriend?'" I realize she's right (as she pretty much always is - that's why she's my therapist!). I tell her my new mantra when dating will be "I will not be the little bird!"
We have been out anywhere from say 3-6 times over maybe 2 weeks to a month or so and have talked online and/or on the phone back and forth for at least a little bit several times a week in between. Things seem to be going great. We both can't stop smiling when we're together. maybe we've slept together, maybe we haven't (if we have, for the sake of this scenario, let's assume we have, and it's been good). We have another seemingly great date. We talk about when we will probably get together next. I leave smiling. And then a day or two goes by - I don't hear from him. I send an e-mail or maybe a text - still nothing, when he usually gets back right away. Another day goes by. I send a text - wait - still nothing. I start to get nervous. I start to feel stupid. I think, "what did I do wrong?" After the 3 day point - when he's been very attentive before, I am now convinced that he is going to dump me. What I really want to do at this point is say "look, I know this sounds stupid, but if you aren't interested in me anymore, just tell me - I'll be disappointed, but I'll be ok, just do me a favor and let me know." Sometimes in the past I have said this or something like it. I'm trying not to do that anymore*(see bottom of post). So I wait a little longer. Eventually I will likely succumb to the urge and will call and try to leave a generic "just calling to say hi, hope to hear from you soon" message. Every once in awhile he will get in touch somehow and apologize for being M.I.A. but even then, usually the end is near. Even if he wants to meet up, he wants to meet up to give me "the talk." Sometimes he'll do it over the phone. At least once it was e-mail. Most recently it was text. Yes, by text (while I do not in anyway condone this, and still think it was a jack ass move, I'll give him credit for at least not ignoring me forever before he did it - in the case the bandaid was abruptly ripped off, instead of being pulled off slowly. I don't know which is better). There are, of course, several ways to begin the talk, but the basic gist is something like this: "you are a nice girl but..." and whether they say it explicitly or not - even if they also use the "I'm not ready for a relationship" route (which may be true, but still...) the basic gist is - yes, you guessed it - "I'm just not that into you."
In a way, what bothers me the most about these talks, is that most of the time, the guy really does like me enough as a person to feel bad about it, and thus wants to go on and on about how sorry they are, and their reasons, and how they really like me but they just don't feel it, and so on and so forth. I don't want to hear it. I say this to them. As soon as I hear those initial words, I know it. The tears start welling up - and, as it often is with me and tears - they are not just tears for the current situation, they are tears for all the situations before and all that I am sure that there will be in the future. They are tears for the fact that it seems there are less and less people that I meet that I would really WANT to date, and of those it seems, most either are taken, or live far away, or just "aren't that into me." They are tears for the fact that the more and more this happens, the more I fear that I will never find someone who is just as into me as I am into them. At this point, I don't want to hear it. Their decision has been made and that decision does not include me. Does it hurt? Yes, but I don't want someone that doesn't want me. Would they have changed their minds if they had stuck it out? Perhaps, perhaps not, but ultimately, I want more, and I know that, so I tell them I get it and I just need to go, and if they say they want to be friends I say maybe - at some point - but now you have to let me go so I can cry and then shake it off and then try to let it go. Sometimes I do become their friends. Several of my good guy friends are guys that I have had a semi-romantic past with in some way shape or form. If you like them enough to date them, why wouldn't you like them enough to be their friend (in general).
Anyway, that's enough for now - in Part II I'll actually talk some about the movie. At the moment I have to go an do some ACTUAL work. Ugh.
*I was complaining about this kind of thing to my therapist and before I leave she says to me: "Do you remember that book, "Are You My Mother?" I laugh and say "Oh my god, I'm the little bird aren't I," she says, "well, kind of. You want so much to find that person that sometimes you don't let things run their course - you just want to know - do you like me, or not? - while I know you don't want just anyone to be your boyfriend, it's almost like you are that little bird and it can seem like you are going around asking 'Are you my boyfriend? Are you my boyfriend?'" I realize she's right (as she pretty much always is - that's why she's my therapist!). I tell her my new mantra when dating will be "I will not be the little bird!"
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Blog suggestions
#1 - If we know eachother or if I just really like your blog, send me the link to it and I'll add it to my page :)
#2 - How irritated would people be if I added ads on the side-bar - apparently you can make free money doing that - and who doesn't love free money!
#2 - How irritated would people be if I added ads on the side-bar - apparently you can make free money doing that - and who doesn't love free money!
The state of my dating life - at the moment, non-existant
Hiya all! As many of my friends and even acquaintances know, my dating life tends to suck. It's not that I don't get dates here and there, I do, and sometimes more than others, but the problem is (and believe me, I know I am no where close to being the only one) finding not just a good guy on paper, but a guy with whom our flaws mesh rather than clash.
I have tried MANY different dating sites - match, yahoo, okcupid, plentyoffish, jdate (I know, I'm not really Jewish at all, but figured I'd give it a try!), eharmony, chemistry, bust.com (also linked to nerve and salon and a bunch of other sites) not to mention occasionally trying craigslist, and being on several of these social networking sites (facebook, myspace, friendster). I've had a whole lotta dates, some second, third and even less fourth, fifth and sixth dates, and rarely have actually dated a guy I met online for a few months.
But now I am in a drought. I still have profiles on most of those sites - many that I rarely ever visit, and several are on pay sites where I can't even read my mail without paying crap loads of money that I currently cannot afford to spend on dating sites that within the past year or so have really gotten me nowhere.
So here I am. I am recruiting you, dear friends and acquaintances and friends of friends and acquaintances, to help me - at the very least - to find some dates.
In the next few days I'm going to try to get the word out there about my blog, get feedback, and post all kinds of stuff to help you to help me. Stay tuned!
I have tried MANY different dating sites - match, yahoo, okcupid, plentyoffish, jdate (I know, I'm not really Jewish at all, but figured I'd give it a try!), eharmony, chemistry, bust.com (also linked to nerve and salon and a bunch of other sites) not to mention occasionally trying craigslist, and being on several of these social networking sites (facebook, myspace, friendster). I've had a whole lotta dates, some second, third and even less fourth, fifth and sixth dates, and rarely have actually dated a guy I met online for a few months.
But now I am in a drought. I still have profiles on most of those sites - many that I rarely ever visit, and several are on pay sites where I can't even read my mail without paying crap loads of money that I currently cannot afford to spend on dating sites that within the past year or so have really gotten me nowhere.
So here I am. I am recruiting you, dear friends and acquaintances and friends of friends and acquaintances, to help me - at the very least - to find some dates.
In the next few days I'm going to try to get the word out there about my blog, get feedback, and post all kinds of stuff to help you to help me. Stay tuned!
Sick of being single
So I have officially decided to start a blog dedicated to recruiting my friends and friends of friends to help me find a guy. I have tried the online dating thing numerous times. I've had some success here and there, but lately it's just been a waste of money that I don't really have to spend. So I am reaching out to you, friends, asking you to dig down deep in the recesses of those lovely heads of yours and help me find a guy whose flaws will be compatable with mine (and we all know I'm full of 'em!). I figure, even if it doesn't lead to a boyfriend, I may at least get some fun or interesting or strange or incredible or even terrible dates out of it, and I'll have a forum in which to cathartically spew forth my feelings about dating onto a page. Plus it's another good way to waste my time. Ha.
Anyway, for the time being, while I'm trying to figure out exactly how I want to do this - here's just a few of the places where I have info and pictures and all that other interesting and not so interesting stuff about me:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=fl_104014394392#/profile.php?id=549444392&ref=name
I'll get some more up here soon - myspace (which I rarely use anymore, but has some blogs from awhile ago), match.com, okcupid, yahoo personals, and all that crap, but for now I just want to get up my first post!
Feel free to write/comments on suggestions on anything, including how I may actually be able to make this whole operation work!
Anyway, for the time being, while I'm trying to figure out exactly how I want to do this - here's just a few of the places where I have info and pictures and all that other interesting and not so interesting stuff about me:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=fl_104014394392#/profile.php?id=549444392&ref=name
I'll get some more up here soon - myspace (which I rarely use anymore, but has some blogs from awhile ago), match.com, okcupid, yahoo personals, and all that crap, but for now I just want to get up my first post!
Feel free to write/comments on suggestions on anything, including how I may actually be able to make this whole operation work!
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