Thoughts on "He's Just Not That Into You" - Part I

Yes, it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, but damn if I didn't find it entertaining. I have to admit, I do have the book as well, and I absolutely love the episode of Sex in the City where the idea for the book first came from ("Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little" from Season 6). I have to admit, much like Miranda did, I kind of found the idea refreshing. And, as Greg Behrendt says in the book, the fact of the matter is, if they "just aren't that into us" then they just aren't right for us. We women (in general) tend to spend too much time making excuses - I know I've done it before, and I still do (though I've certainly gotten better at doing is less over the years). Still, the biggest problem with this way of thinking is that as pointed out by the co-writer of the book, Liz Tuccillo, it can be REALLY hard to force yourself to think that way - especially when there ARE sometimes slight exceptions (for example, Miranda's date in the aforementioned episode) - or when you know for a fact that the guy really is VERY busy with work, or with his kids, or some such someone legit excuse. Ultimately, however, I suppose it still does go back to another thing Greg says in the book - cell phones can ACCIDENTALLY call someone - how is it that hard to pick up the phone to say - can't really talk now, really busy, but I'm thinking about you, let's get together (or talk) at said time. And if my experience is any indication, it really is true. The scenario I often find myself in goes something (if not exactly) like this:

We have been out anywhere from say 3-6 times over maybe 2 weeks to a month or so and have talked online and/or on the phone back and forth for at least a little bit several times a week in between. Things seem to be going great. We both can't stop smiling when we're together. maybe we've slept together, maybe we haven't (if we have, for the sake of this scenario, let's assume we have, and it's been good). We have another seemingly great date. We talk about when we will probably get together next. I leave smiling. And then a day or two goes by - I don't hear from him. I send an e-mail or maybe a text - still nothing, when he usually gets back right away. Another day goes by. I send a text - wait - still nothing. I start to get nervous. I start to feel stupid. I think, "what did I do wrong?" After the 3 day point - when he's been very attentive before, I am now convinced that he is going to dump me. What I really want to do at this point is say "look, I know this sounds stupid, but if you aren't interested in me anymore, just tell me - I'll be disappointed, but I'll be ok, just do me a favor and let me know." Sometimes in the past I have said this or something like it. I'm trying not to do that anymore*(see bottom of post). So I wait a little longer. Eventually I will likely succumb to the urge and will call and try to leave a generic "just calling to say hi, hope to hear from you soon" message. Every once in awhile he will get in touch somehow and apologize for being M.I.A. but even then, usually the end is near. Even if he wants to meet up, he wants to meet up to give me "the talk." Sometimes he'll do it over the phone. At least once it was e-mail. Most recently it was text. Yes, by text (while I do not in anyway condone this, and still think it was a jack ass move, I'll give him credit for at least not ignoring me forever before he did it - in the case the bandaid was abruptly ripped off, instead of being pulled off slowly. I don't know which is better). There are, of course, several ways to begin the talk, but the basic gist is something like this: "you are a nice girl but..." and whether they say it explicitly or not - even if they also use the "I'm not ready for a relationship" route (which may be true, but still...) the basic gist is - yes, you guessed it - "I'm just not that into you."

In a way, what bothers me the most about these talks, is that most of the time, the guy really does like me enough as a person to feel bad about it, and thus wants to go on and on about how sorry they are, and their reasons, and how they really like me but they just don't feel it, and so on and so forth. I don't want to hear it. I say this to them. As soon as I hear those initial words, I know it. The tears start welling up - and, as it often is with me and tears - they are not just tears for the current situation, they are tears for all the situations before and all that I am sure that there will be in the future. They are tears for the fact that it seems there are less and less people that I meet that I would really WANT to date, and of those it seems, most either are taken, or live far away, or just "aren't that into me." They are tears for the fact that the more and more this happens, the more I fear that I will never find someone who is just as into me as I am into them. At this point, I don't want to hear it. Their decision has been made and that decision does not include me. Does it hurt? Yes, but I don't want someone that doesn't want me. Would they have changed their minds if they had stuck it out? Perhaps, perhaps not, but ultimately, I want more, and I know that, so I tell them I get it and I just need to go, and if they say they want to be friends I say maybe - at some point - but now you have to let me go so I can cry and then shake it off and then try to let it go. Sometimes I do become their friends. Several of my good guy friends are guys that I have had a semi-romantic past with in some way shape or form. If you like them enough to date them, why wouldn't you like them enough to be their friend (in general).

Anyway, that's enough for now - in Part II I'll actually talk some about the movie. At the moment I have to go an do some ACTUAL work. Ugh.


*I was complaining about this kind of thing to my therapist and before I leave she says to me: "Do you remember that book, "Are You My Mother?" I laugh and say "Oh my god, I'm the little bird aren't I," she says, "well, kind of. You want so much to find that person that sometimes you don't let things run their course - you just want to know - do you like me, or not? - while I know you don't want just anyone to be your boyfriend, it's almost like you are that little bird and it can seem like you are going around asking 'Are you my boyfriend? Are you my boyfriend?'" I realize she's right (as she pretty much always is - that's why she's my therapist!). I tell her my new mantra when dating will be "I will not be the little bird!"