Insanely jealous (for absolutely no good reason) girlfriends

So there is this guy - let's call him "T" (just to be clear, his real name doesn't even have a T in it) - I knew T a little in high school and had a crush on him. We made out once - nothing more. When I came back into the area in around 2001, we ran into each other and dated for maybe 3 weeks. We did end up sleeping together and it was only afterwards that he told me I was his first. I was 19, he was 21. I was surprised, and honestly, although he had wanted to and didn't feel bad about it - I kind of did. I at least wish I had known, and if I had would've have had at least had a discussion to him to make sure he was ready. Anyway, not long after, we broke up. It wasn't a big thing, we just realized we probably weren't right for each other, and we remained friendly but never had anything romantic to do with each other again. Supposedly some people in his group of friends were a bit irritated with me that I was the one to have taken his virginity, but he didn't seem to have any issue with it, and it's not like I could take it back!

Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.

Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:

Subject: Warning

"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."

My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.

Anyway, I respond with this:

"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.

I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."

I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!

I just got a response from her:

I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.

And my final reply:

I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.

And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.

I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:

#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.

#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.

Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!