So today I was checking out Schmitten Kitten and I came across this post:
Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: He Might Be Dying Soon (But He Probably Isn't)
Anyhoo, I started to write this as a comment but realized it was more like a story so I figured I might as well just post it here instead.
So a few years ago I ran into a guy I had known to at least a minor extent since I was maybe 2. He was my age, and when he was maybe 4 or something he was diagnosed with Leukemia. My parents were close friends with his parents for awhile and I remember playing over there and the big celebration party when he got better. Through middle school and high school, possibly in part due to all the attention (however relevant that attention was) relished on him when he was a kid, he became a real obnoxious asshole. Suffice to say, I never liked him much. But when I ran into him years after graduating from high school he seemed like a changed guy. We started hanging out and even briefly dated though that didn't last long because he was just TOO intensely cutesy and touchy feely ALL the time, and he did things like writing love poems which I had to pretend were sweet but really just made me want to gag. So while we were dating he told me ALL these stories. He had hiked the Appalacian Trail. He had lived down in Texas (across the lake from one of Sandra Bullocks's houses, he claimed). He had developed brain cancer in high school which was why he left school for awhile, and he had had at least one relapse since then. He had been engaged down in Texas but his fiance died. While in most instances I would have been skeptical that all these stories were true (and I was a little bit), but he did show me pictures, and he seemed so sincere and because I thought he had been through a lot I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
After we broke up, we remained friends and eventually he started dating a girl, moved in with her and fairly rapidly got engaged. I thought it was all a little fast, but at least she seemed nice enough and he seemed happy. Awhile after they were engaged he called me and told me they had broken it off but were still living together until they could find other places. As they had gotten engaged so fast, I believed him. A little while after that he called me sounding really upset. He came over to my apartment down the street from his, and he told me that he had found out his cancer had relapsed and because of all the chemo and treatments he had been trhough in the past the doctor said his body couldn't take anymore and he only had a few more months to live. He said he wasn't going to tell his ex-fiance because she was his ex and he didn't want his parents to know yet. I tried unsuccessfully to convince him to tell them, but he refused and he said I was the only one he had told because I was the only one he trusted. He cried and I cried and we hugged and then he left asnd said he wanted to be alone. The next day I invited him over to just hang out and watch movies to try to destract him and to keep him company. It was then he started getting and handsy and asked if I would "make love to him." Not only did I have a boyfriend at the time, I was too upset and numb to even think about sex - for the two or three weeks I actually believed or kind of believed him, I was too upset to even have sex with my OWN boyfriend, much less him. I told him no, and he got all quiet and said he was going to go for a long walk. The next morning I got a call from my mom who had gotten a call from his mom who had gotten a call from his fiance. Yes, apparently, if they had broken up, at least his parents didn't know about it and maybe neither did she. Apparently he hadn't come home and knowing that at the time I was his best friend, thought I might know where he was. Although he eventually showed back up, at this point I was even more upset and confused and gave in and told my mom with the promise that she wouldn't say anything to his parents. I also called a support center for cancer patients, especially terminal ones, and their friends and loved ones. I was going to try to get myself into a support group, and was going to try to convince him too as well even if he wouldn't tell his parents. I would be the best friend I could be.
So I call and I talk to a counseler for a phone consultation and I tell him the story - everything - he get's quiet, then he says to me, in essence, that it sounded like my friend might be lying. he said, of course, that he couldn't be sure, but that this kind of behavior was actually not uncommon amongst cancer patients and/or cancer survivors. That they would get so used to having ALL this attention that even when they were doing better or were completely fine, they might use cancer, and sometimes dying of cancer, to get more of that attention, to get sex, to get money, drugs, what have you. He encouraged me to try to find out more about the situation and to just be aware that although he could be telling the truth or part of the truth, it also may have basically been an elaborate lie to get back into my pants.
At this point I asked my mother to talk to his parents about what was going on. They told my mother that they knew his doctors and they really didn't think anything was wrong but they would pay attention and would let me know if they found out anything about him REALLY being sick. At this point I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't want the guy who I had thought was one of my best friends to be dying of cancer, but I also didn't want to think that he had lied to me about something SO big and SO serious, KNOWING how I would react, just to maybe have sex with me again? Did I know him at all? Was anything he told me the truth?
I became even more suspicious as time went on and he would call and I would ask him how he was and he's be like "I'm fine! I feel great, why do you ask?" Why do I ask? Umm, because you told me you are DYING OF CANCER. Then I just started avoiding his phone calls and avoiding him. Thought it was getting increasingly here that all signs pointed to lying, how could I just come out and ask him? Hey, are you lying about dying of cancer? Obviously he didn't die. I told his parents that if he ever ACTUALLY was dying of cancer and THEY contacted me, that was the only way I would ever see or speak to him again. They understood why.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Speed Dating Fun?
So last night I decided to try the Schmitten Kitten Mixed Tap Speed Dating at the Khyber. I give the good folks at Schmitten Kitten props for trying something a little bit new speed-dating wise. It was definitely more interesting than other speed-dating events I've been to (I've only been to two before) and, even though I didn't love it, at least it only cost me $5 and that included a free drink (unlike others that cost $25-$35 and don't even give you a drink!).
Good:
1. Again, the price can't be beat - $5 if you sign up before hand, $8 if you don't, plus you get a free drink coupon.
In-Between:
1. The crowd is at least slightly different than regular speed-dating I've been to. It makes it a bit more interesting, but even though I'm sometimes kind of into some more alternative-y guys, they never seem to be to me, so doesn't do me much good.
2. The time for each "date" was MUCH shorter than any other speed dating I've heard of. While in ways this is good, I found (and I think most people agreed) that a minute and a half was TOO short - I think 3 minutes would be ideal - just enough but not too much.
3. The amount of guys - this one leans more towards the bad because there were definitely A LOT less guys than girls - makes the competition stiffer for us. Still, in ways it was good because there were three rounds and many guys repeated rounds giving the girls more of a chance to meet guys they might not have met if there had been more men. Unfortunately though, some of the guys that came around more than once may not have been the ones you might have wanted.
4. While the song idea was cool, the music, at least last night was a little too loud making it somewhat hard to hear.
Bad:
1. While they might do things differently next time, last night they apprently only let the matches know that were winners of the raffle. So even if you did get a match, if you didn't win the raffle you wouldn't even know about it. Seems to sort of defeat the purpose.
2. People that - even if they weren't actually couples - were certainly acting like it - makes it somewhat embaressing for the people that might have chosen that person to then see them basically making out with someone that they obviously haven't just met at the bar.
3. In many ways it's just kind of exhausting, plus it's easy to feel almost triple the rejection. For example, last night the guy I was most interested in had a match with a different girl and they won the gift certificate to Cantina. The second guy I chose, seemed somewhat interested in me, and may have chosen me as one of his matches but he was quite obviously more into a different girl (who fairly obviously couldn't have cared less about him). The third guy I chose I saw after the speed dating talking to a girl who - although they weren't the ones making out at the bar -definitely seemed to be somewhat romantically involved with him.
4. Again, there simply weren't that many guys to choose from and many of them (as it's often seemed to be with speed dating) were the kind of guys that just seem kind of socially inept when it comes to women.
Will I do it again? Perhaps, but only if a friend really wants to go and even then mainly only because it's cheap, and I get a free drink!
Good:
1. Again, the price can't be beat - $5 if you sign up before hand, $8 if you don't, plus you get a free drink coupon.
In-Between:
1. The crowd is at least slightly different than regular speed-dating I've been to. It makes it a bit more interesting, but even though I'm sometimes kind of into some more alternative-y guys, they never seem to be to me, so doesn't do me much good.
2. The time for each "date" was MUCH shorter than any other speed dating I've heard of. While in ways this is good, I found (and I think most people agreed) that a minute and a half was TOO short - I think 3 minutes would be ideal - just enough but not too much.
3. The amount of guys - this one leans more towards the bad because there were definitely A LOT less guys than girls - makes the competition stiffer for us. Still, in ways it was good because there were three rounds and many guys repeated rounds giving the girls more of a chance to meet guys they might not have met if there had been more men. Unfortunately though, some of the guys that came around more than once may not have been the ones you might have wanted.
4. While the song idea was cool, the music, at least last night was a little too loud making it somewhat hard to hear.
Bad:
1. While they might do things differently next time, last night they apprently only let the matches know that were winners of the raffle. So even if you did get a match, if you didn't win the raffle you wouldn't even know about it. Seems to sort of defeat the purpose.
2. People that - even if they weren't actually couples - were certainly acting like it - makes it somewhat embaressing for the people that might have chosen that person to then see them basically making out with someone that they obviously haven't just met at the bar.
3. In many ways it's just kind of exhausting, plus it's easy to feel almost triple the rejection. For example, last night the guy I was most interested in had a match with a different girl and they won the gift certificate to Cantina. The second guy I chose, seemed somewhat interested in me, and may have chosen me as one of his matches but he was quite obviously more into a different girl (who fairly obviously couldn't have cared less about him). The third guy I chose I saw after the speed dating talking to a girl who - although they weren't the ones making out at the bar -definitely seemed to be somewhat romantically involved with him.
4. Again, there simply weren't that many guys to choose from and many of them (as it's often seemed to be with speed dating) were the kind of guys that just seem kind of socially inept when it comes to women.
Will I do it again? Perhaps, but only if a friend really wants to go and even then mainly only because it's cheap, and I get a free drink!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Red Flags
1. When a guy says right off the bat that he's a "good" or even a "great" kisser, you can safely assume that he's not.
2. When a guy you have met online sends you a shirtless picture he has taken himself in the bathroom. While this is bad enough, needless to say, the penis shot is even worse.
3. When a guy wants to take you to a strip club on a first date. Even worse when the guy is on a first name basis with pretty much everyone who works there.
4. When a guy you have pretty much just met says things to you like, "You are going to kiss me now" (not after the comment, I'm not) or "I'm going home with you later" (If you ever had ANY chance of getting in my pants at any point in time, you no longer do).
5. When a guy not only says he would never want to have kids because he's too selfish, but also because they might end up being autistic and that even if he was married and they had an autistic child he would leave them both in a heartbeat.
6. When, after the basic first date questions, the silence is so extreme you feel like if you were on a sitcom this is when the laugh track would kick in.
7. When a guy spends most of your first date talking about what a "bitch" and a "whore" his ex is.
8. When you are on vacation with your boyfriend of four months who is 22 and still a virgin (you aren't) who also likes Anne Geddes babies and is obsessed with the Golden Girls and you come out of the bathroom in a red silk number from Victoria's Secret and he says - "It looks soft. I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm going to go to bed."
2. When a guy you have met online sends you a shirtless picture he has taken himself in the bathroom. While this is bad enough, needless to say, the penis shot is even worse.
3. When a guy wants to take you to a strip club on a first date. Even worse when the guy is on a first name basis with pretty much everyone who works there.
4. When a guy you have pretty much just met says things to you like, "You are going to kiss me now" (not after the comment, I'm not) or "I'm going home with you later" (If you ever had ANY chance of getting in my pants at any point in time, you no longer do).
5. When a guy not only says he would never want to have kids because he's too selfish, but also because they might end up being autistic and that even if he was married and they had an autistic child he would leave them both in a heartbeat.
6. When, after the basic first date questions, the silence is so extreme you feel like if you were on a sitcom this is when the laugh track would kick in.
7. When a guy spends most of your first date talking about what a "bitch" and a "whore" his ex is.
8. When you are on vacation with your boyfriend of four months who is 22 and still a virgin (you aren't) who also likes Anne Geddes babies and is obsessed with the Golden Girls and you come out of the bathroom in a red silk number from Victoria's Secret and he says - "It looks soft. I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm going to go to bed."
Sunday, July 5, 2009
He's Just Not That Into You - Part II-A
More to come as soon as I get around to it - but for now...
First of all, let’s talk about the relationship between Anna (Scarlett Johansson) and Ben (Bradley Cooper, who is married to Janine played by Jennifer Connelly). To start, I don’t like her character to begin with. She leads her best friend Conner (Kevin Connolly) on, flirting and sleeping with him but never being honest about the fact that she knows damn well she will never be interested in him that way. He’s the back up, the one for her to go to when she feels lonely. While I understand this in ways - many of us have had that person at one time or another, her character goes above and beyond to the point where it’s genuinely keeping him from finding real love because she strings him along. It’s a complicated situation to be sure, but there is a difference between someone who is confused and conflicted - thinking that maybe they should want it, or that maybe if you just stick it out feelings will develop - and someone for whom the motivation is purely selfish. I’ve known people who have done this in the past and it’s a hard thing to see - loving your friend, but hating seeing what their behavior is doing to the other person who may even come to you for answers that you just can’t give. I also don’t like how she goes out of her way to seduce the married guy. While I recognize that there are always reasons behind why women might try to do this (they aren’t excuses, but still) I feel that with her character the motivation is simply more selfish. She doesn’t love him and she wouldn’t even want him if he actually left his wife, and he wouldn’t be happy either. Plus, even if she really did want him too, the “rule” is that married guys rarely leave their wives for another woman. Basically, although I feel like anyone who is like that must have some deeply seeded issues, she simply doesn’t take any responsibility for her bad behavior and instead feels like it’s all completely ok and justified and that I just don’t appreciate.
So now it’s onto him. Cheating is a symptom that something else it wrong. And as in this case, maybe what is wrong is that one person is an asshole. Although she definitely seduces him, ultimately he is the worse of the two for actually cheating - she’s not the one who is married or even attached. And I’m glad that his wife (Janine/Jennifer Connelly) left him in the end. It seems to me they probably never should’ve gotten married in the first place. For one, he just wasn’t ready to get married. She gave him an ultimatum, and because he didn’t want to lose her either, he agreed, but in the back of his head probably always resented the fact that he felt like it wasn’t HIS decision. As Neil (Ben Affleck) says: You are an asshole for not marrying her and then you marry her and you’re an asshole for marrying her before you are ready.”
Now, from here we go into Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck’s) relationship. She also kind of gave him an ultimatum but Neil handled it the right way. He left, and he gave them both time to be on their own and decide what they really wanted. When he came back, it was his decision, and then, more than anything, it was her realizing that she wanted to be with him, regardless of the “stupid piece of paper,” that made him realize that even if he still thought it was a stupid piece of paper, he did want to spend the rest of his life with her, so why be afraid of it? If it’s so “stupid” and you don’t care about it, then why does it matter if you get it because it makes the other person happy? Plus you get a tax break amongst other benefits! I honestly think she should’ve made the ultimatum much earlier - as she mentions, they’ve been together 7 years and she’s been hiding it for five. Although I know that is easier said than done, If you know that that is what you want, why waste your time with someone who says flat out they are never going to give it to you? And why do you invest in an apartment or a car or even a pet - jointly - if you can’t commit to marriage. That’s how I feel at least.
First of all, let’s talk about the relationship between Anna (Scarlett Johansson) and Ben (Bradley Cooper, who is married to Janine played by Jennifer Connelly). To start, I don’t like her character to begin with. She leads her best friend Conner (Kevin Connolly) on, flirting and sleeping with him but never being honest about the fact that she knows damn well she will never be interested in him that way. He’s the back up, the one for her to go to when she feels lonely. While I understand this in ways - many of us have had that person at one time or another, her character goes above and beyond to the point where it’s genuinely keeping him from finding real love because she strings him along. It’s a complicated situation to be sure, but there is a difference between someone who is confused and conflicted - thinking that maybe they should want it, or that maybe if you just stick it out feelings will develop - and someone for whom the motivation is purely selfish. I’ve known people who have done this in the past and it’s a hard thing to see - loving your friend, but hating seeing what their behavior is doing to the other person who may even come to you for answers that you just can’t give. I also don’t like how she goes out of her way to seduce the married guy. While I recognize that there are always reasons behind why women might try to do this (they aren’t excuses, but still) I feel that with her character the motivation is simply more selfish. She doesn’t love him and she wouldn’t even want him if he actually left his wife, and he wouldn’t be happy either. Plus, even if she really did want him too, the “rule” is that married guys rarely leave their wives for another woman. Basically, although I feel like anyone who is like that must have some deeply seeded issues, she simply doesn’t take any responsibility for her bad behavior and instead feels like it’s all completely ok and justified and that I just don’t appreciate.
So now it’s onto him. Cheating is a symptom that something else it wrong. And as in this case, maybe what is wrong is that one person is an asshole. Although she definitely seduces him, ultimately he is the worse of the two for actually cheating - she’s not the one who is married or even attached. And I’m glad that his wife (Janine/Jennifer Connelly) left him in the end. It seems to me they probably never should’ve gotten married in the first place. For one, he just wasn’t ready to get married. She gave him an ultimatum, and because he didn’t want to lose her either, he agreed, but in the back of his head probably always resented the fact that he felt like it wasn’t HIS decision. As Neil (Ben Affleck) says: You are an asshole for not marrying her and then you marry her and you’re an asshole for marrying her before you are ready.”
Now, from here we go into Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck’s) relationship. She also kind of gave him an ultimatum but Neil handled it the right way. He left, and he gave them both time to be on their own and decide what they really wanted. When he came back, it was his decision, and then, more than anything, it was her realizing that she wanted to be with him, regardless of the “stupid piece of paper,” that made him realize that even if he still thought it was a stupid piece of paper, he did want to spend the rest of his life with her, so why be afraid of it? If it’s so “stupid” and you don’t care about it, then why does it matter if you get it because it makes the other person happy? Plus you get a tax break amongst other benefits! I honestly think she should’ve made the ultimatum much earlier - as she mentions, they’ve been together 7 years and she’s been hiding it for five. Although I know that is easier said than done, If you know that that is what you want, why waste your time with someone who says flat out they are never going to give it to you? And why do you invest in an apartment or a car or even a pet - jointly - if you can’t commit to marriage. That’s how I feel at least.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Q&A - John from PA asks...
"I have been talking to a male friend of mine and we are trying to get a grasp on what we call 'the female quarter life crisis'
Somewhere between 19 and maybe 23 girls turn into women. And a lot of things seem to change along the way."
First of all, John, the quarter life crisis is generally defined as happening closer to 25 - while it's not the best reference, this wikipedia article give a general idea of how a quarter-life crisis is defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis - I myself have essentially been in a quarter life crisis for the last 5 or so years! Still, I suppose what you are trying to refer to is simply the fact that women seem to mature faster than men. Still, this "girls becoming women" you speak of, has less to do with an actual quarter life crisis and more to do with the fact that women are actually just growing up and maturing.
"They start having one on one relationships instead of using boyfriends to impress their friends."
Frankly, I'm not even sure where to start with this. I honestly don't believe that most women use boyfriends to "impress" their friends, but maybe these just aren't women I've ever known or been friends with. Do some women see certain types of men as status symbols? Sure, but men do it too, and I think it had little to do with age and more to do with who you are as a person and what you want out of life, and that could be at any age.
"They shift from 'he must know everything' to 'boy do I have to teach him a lot'."
While I don't necessarily agree with this statement, for the sake of trying to answer your question I will say this: When many women are younger we like dating older guys because we think they are more mature. Then we find out that they often aren't. I think a lot of men in their mid-late twenties and even sometimes into their early 30's, still wish they were back at college. These are the men I call over-grown frat boys. They may have jobs and careers, but their emotional level is still on par with an 18 year old. So really it's more that when we are younger and dating an older guy we are more in awe - then we start growing up and we realize there is no reason to be.
"They want less sex and more money spent on them. They get a sense of 'I'm not even going to try that.'"
I don't think it's that they want less sex, as much as they become more discerning about who they sleep with, when they sleep with them, and whether or not they actually want to do anything sexually and that they reserve the right to say no and no be taken advantage of. In regards to money, while I realize that some women are all about the money, for many of us it's just a matter of self-respect. Yes, on a first date, I would appreciate dinner being bought for me. It doesn't have to be fancy, but a trip to the diner doesn't count.
"I've noted some women hit this change as late as 30 in some cases but there's typically some psychological holdup involved. Anyways, my curiosity involves: how does this process look from the woman's side of it. And what relevant changes does it ask of a man looking to date one type or the other (pre-maturation/post-maturation)"
Let's say this: In general, when a man dates a girl who is at least 18 or under (and he is at least 5 years her senior) he does it partially because he has some sort of psychological hold up. This is not to say that this makes him a bad guy - sometimes he's a great guy, but still, there is part of him that likes the "pre-maturation" type. The one that looks up to him, the one that even if she is pretty messed or mature for her age, there is still something innocent about her to them. This also doesn't mean that a relationship can't work out. A friend of mine started dating a 19 year old when he was 25. She was mature for her age, and she was good for him, and now they are married. Still, regardless of how mature she was for her age, he was closer to her age emotionally and that's why it worked. I myself dated three different 23 year olds between the ages of 17 and 18. While they weren't creeps or perverts, and while I was mature for my age (not to mention depressive and extremely jaded) I couldn't possibly be as world weary as even I was at 23 because I still was so young and was relatively innocent in the grand scheme or things. The when I was 19 I met a guy who was literally twice my age (I must throw in that he was an actual rocket scientist - I still think it's cool that I can say I dated a rocket scientist!). We met under very strange circumstances and dated for several months - my parents even met him - they were a bit disturbed by it, especially at first, but even they realized that at the time, he was good to me and for me and me for him. Still I thought a lot about why he was with someone so much younger, and what I concluded was much like what I said above. And on my part, he treated me kinder and was sweeter and more generous (without me even asking - I would argue with him when he tried to give me certain things!) than any guy I've ever dated before or since. And because older men can be that way at times, it adds to the younger woman's awe and appreciation at actually being treated in a way she was always told she should be.
Anyway, my advice to you, John, and your friend, is to try to date women "post-maturation" as you call it. Even if you have fun dating the younger girls, at some point you'll need to grow up, and they aren't always going to be that age. People change. Even if you fell in love with a great younger woman, she too will change and that change might not include you.
Somewhere between 19 and maybe 23 girls turn into women. And a lot of things seem to change along the way."
First of all, John, the quarter life crisis is generally defined as happening closer to 25 - while it's not the best reference, this wikipedia article give a general idea of how a quarter-life crisis is defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis - I myself have essentially been in a quarter life crisis for the last 5 or so years! Still, I suppose what you are trying to refer to is simply the fact that women seem to mature faster than men. Still, this "girls becoming women" you speak of, has less to do with an actual quarter life crisis and more to do with the fact that women are actually just growing up and maturing.
"They start having one on one relationships instead of using boyfriends to impress their friends."
Frankly, I'm not even sure where to start with this. I honestly don't believe that most women use boyfriends to "impress" their friends, but maybe these just aren't women I've ever known or been friends with. Do some women see certain types of men as status symbols? Sure, but men do it too, and I think it had little to do with age and more to do with who you are as a person and what you want out of life, and that could be at any age.
"They shift from 'he must know everything' to 'boy do I have to teach him a lot'."
While I don't necessarily agree with this statement, for the sake of trying to answer your question I will say this: When many women are younger we like dating older guys because we think they are more mature. Then we find out that they often aren't. I think a lot of men in their mid-late twenties and even sometimes into their early 30's, still wish they were back at college. These are the men I call over-grown frat boys. They may have jobs and careers, but their emotional level is still on par with an 18 year old. So really it's more that when we are younger and dating an older guy we are more in awe - then we start growing up and we realize there is no reason to be.
"They want less sex and more money spent on them. They get a sense of 'I'm not even going to try that.'"
I don't think it's that they want less sex, as much as they become more discerning about who they sleep with, when they sleep with them, and whether or not they actually want to do anything sexually and that they reserve the right to say no and no be taken advantage of. In regards to money, while I realize that some women are all about the money, for many of us it's just a matter of self-respect. Yes, on a first date, I would appreciate dinner being bought for me. It doesn't have to be fancy, but a trip to the diner doesn't count.
"I've noted some women hit this change as late as 30 in some cases but there's typically some psychological holdup involved. Anyways, my curiosity involves: how does this process look from the woman's side of it. And what relevant changes does it ask of a man looking to date one type or the other (pre-maturation/post-maturation)"
Let's say this: In general, when a man dates a girl who is at least 18 or under (and he is at least 5 years her senior) he does it partially because he has some sort of psychological hold up. This is not to say that this makes him a bad guy - sometimes he's a great guy, but still, there is part of him that likes the "pre-maturation" type. The one that looks up to him, the one that even if she is pretty messed or mature for her age, there is still something innocent about her to them. This also doesn't mean that a relationship can't work out. A friend of mine started dating a 19 year old when he was 25. She was mature for her age, and she was good for him, and now they are married. Still, regardless of how mature she was for her age, he was closer to her age emotionally and that's why it worked. I myself dated three different 23 year olds between the ages of 17 and 18. While they weren't creeps or perverts, and while I was mature for my age (not to mention depressive and extremely jaded) I couldn't possibly be as world weary as even I was at 23 because I still was so young and was relatively innocent in the grand scheme or things. The when I was 19 I met a guy who was literally twice my age (I must throw in that he was an actual rocket scientist - I still think it's cool that I can say I dated a rocket scientist!). We met under very strange circumstances and dated for several months - my parents even met him - they were a bit disturbed by it, especially at first, but even they realized that at the time, he was good to me and for me and me for him. Still I thought a lot about why he was with someone so much younger, and what I concluded was much like what I said above. And on my part, he treated me kinder and was sweeter and more generous (without me even asking - I would argue with him when he tried to give me certain things!) than any guy I've ever dated before or since. And because older men can be that way at times, it adds to the younger woman's awe and appreciation at actually being treated in a way she was always told she should be.
Anyway, my advice to you, John, and your friend, is to try to date women "post-maturation" as you call it. Even if you have fun dating the younger girls, at some point you'll need to grow up, and they aren't always going to be that age. People change. Even if you fell in love with a great younger woman, she too will change and that change might not include you.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Insanely jealous (for absolutely no good reason) girlfriends
So there is this guy - let's call him "T" (just to be clear, his real name doesn't even have a T in it) - I knew T a little in high school and had a crush on him. We made out once - nothing more. When I came back into the area in around 2001, we ran into each other and dated for maybe 3 weeks. We did end up sleeping together and it was only afterwards that he told me I was his first. I was 19, he was 21. I was surprised, and honestly, although he had wanted to and didn't feel bad about it - I kind of did. I at least wish I had known, and if I had would've have had at least had a discussion to him to make sure he was ready. Anyway, not long after, we broke up. It wasn't a big thing, we just realized we probably weren't right for each other, and we remained friendly but never had anything romantic to do with each other again. Supposedly some people in his group of friends were a bit irritated with me that I was the one to have taken his virginity, but he didn't seem to have any issue with it, and it's not like I could take it back!
Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.
Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:
Subject: Warning
"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."
My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.
Anyway, I respond with this:
"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.
I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."
I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!
I just got a response from her:
I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.
And my final reply:
I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.
And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.
I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:
#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.
#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.
Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!
Anyway, over the years we would talk and hang out here and there and I would see him around various places. Eventually we both moved out of the area, and sometimes just talked a bit through myspace. At one point, when we hadn't talked for awhile, I noticed that he was no longer my myspace friend - I sent him a message with another friend request. He sent me a message back saying he was dating someone (I think this was before they got engaged, but don't remember) and that she wouldn't allow him to even be myspace friends with him. I wrote back saying that I thought it was silly (and honestly that I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn't even say hi to him on the Internet) but I couldn't do anything about it, so that was that.
Anyway, recently I saw he was a friend of a friend on facebook. I remembered before, but figured, their married now, they have at least one kid or two, I can't imagine it would hurt to say hi. I sent a friend request with a note saying, hey, how are you? Just today I got this from his wife:
Subject: Warning
"Do not attempt to contact my husband again in any way. I will not tolerate you disrespecting me and my family. I don't know what your motive is but I am telling you to move on. I am restraining myself from throwing out insults, but if you ever show up on my radar again I will not hold back."
My first thought it - whoa - holy shit - where did all this come from? I've never even met this woman and haven't had anything to do with T since WAY before the two of them even started dating.
Anyway, I respond with this:
"All I said was hello - I am not trying to disrespect anyone! I was not, nor ever was trying to even have anything to do with him other than say hello and ask how he was doing! I don't really understand why you've ever gotten any impression to the contrary. Why do you suspect I'd have a motive? [T] and I only dated briefly a long time ago and then became JUST friends. I like him as a person, that is all. Why you would suspect that me saying hello to ask how things are, how his job is, how the kids are, and how you are, for that matter, is completely beyond me.
I am sorry if I offended you somehow but I have done absolutely NOTHING to you, nor to your family, and haven't even had any contact with him other than to say hello for ages."
I mean, given the intensity of her response, I think mine was reasonable enough. I mean seriously - why is saying hello - a threat to her family? I have never looked back on "T" and I breaking up with regret and I honestly don't believe he has either. We just weren't going to work out. I mean, I guess because of the whole "taking his virginity" thing I could sort of understand her not wanting us to hang out - but geez - that was almost 10 years ago now! It's not like I purposely took advantage of him - the only thing I still feel bad about is not knowing before hand - he didn't mind, but even if it had still happened then, I wish I had known. How is an occasional hello through a social networking site a threat? And even more, how crazy jealous is this woman that she monitors his facebook messages and friend requests. I bet she checks his voice mail and calls any number she doesn't recognize and wouldn't be surprised if it happens to be a girl she threatens her. I'm sure she also checks his e-mail. Maybe T has changed, but as far as I know him, he's just not the cheating type - I don't think he ever has and don't think he ever would so why she is SO insanely paranoid, I just don't know. And move on? From what? I was never even hung up on him after we broke up? And what insults? We've never even met!
I just got a response from her:
I asked [T] to delete you and a few others from his Myspace profile a while ago because it made me uncomfortable. For whatever reason you sent him a friend request, which caused some problems for us. He deleted you and gave you the reason. When you sent him another request here on Facebook, it was clear to me that you were not respecting my wish for you to end ALL communications with [T]. Maybe you thought I was out of the picture or I wouldn't know about it, who knows. I don't trust you and I think you are just fishing for attention. And how I am doing is none of your business so don't pretend like you care about me.
And my final reply:
I apologize - it had been a long time and I didn't think there was any harm in saying hello - I was wondering how he was doing when I saw him on facebook as a friend of another friend. I didn't quite understand even then why there was any harm in an occasional hello, how are you doing online only, and I apparently wrongly thought that maybe now, as you have been married for several years and have at least one kid together-not to mention the fact that I don't even live close by - you would be secure enough in your relationship to allow a hello. Please believe that I have never harbored any thoughts - even WAY back then, about getting back together with [T]. I simply have always liked him as a person and care about how he is doing only because I had considered him a friend. I have married male friends who I speak to online on occasion, not because I am trying to get with them, not because I am trying to go "behind their wife's back" or am hoping that they are not with their wife, just because I want to say hello. That is what social networking sites are for.
And I would ask him about you, because that is what you do. You ask about your friends families. I know I don't know you, but I care about my friends and I care about how my friends loved ones are doing because they care. It is not about attention, it is about being a friend.
I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I truly meant no harm, and was not assuming you were broken up nor was I trying to go behind your back. I wanted to say hi. I like catching up with people I've been friends with that I haven't seen for awhile. I am sorry. It won't happen again.
I just don't understand jealousy on this level. I mean I understand that if you've been cheated on before I suppose it's hard to trust, but jealousy to that kind of an extreme is just, well, extreme! I used to wonder why these guys would stay for so long with women like that. I've seen it SO many times, and I still don't really get it, but here are the patterns that I've seen:
#1 - The girl is exceptionally jealous and, although it's extreme, he does or has cheated on her. Now this is a situation where I think that, although sometimes the guy just is a cheater and because of that shouldn't be with her in the first place - often for BOTH of their sakes - I think sometimes the cheating started AFTER a certain amount of time living with such extreme jealousy. I think there is something to the idea that after dealing with so much jealousy for absolutely NO reason, one might very well start to think, "I might as well actually enjoy it, if I'm getting blamed and punished for it anyway." Do I think this is good? No way, but I do think it happens. In this situation, even if the girl is kind of a shrew as well, at least she is right in SOME way about her assumption - and, although I know there are a lot of reasons why people cheat - it is still a bad move on the part of the guy (or the girl). Personally, I believe when people cheat it is generally for on of two main reasons: #1 - The person is just not ready to settle down but still enjoys the comfort and the perks of a relationship. This person is generally in ways a serial monogamist (jumping from one relationship as soon as they get out of the last - most of these are at least a year or so long) but they also tend to cheat on almost every girl they are with at least once and, although they like their girlfriend - they know pretty much from the get go they have no desire to marry her (or perhaps marry anyone). #2 - It is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Granted, in the #1 scenario, things are obviously wrong - but in #2 it's a little different. This person is generally not a serial cheater - this is the kind of situation where one person just isn't happy, or perhaps has simply fallen out of love, but is conflicted. it doesn't make it much better, but it is a little different. At least that's my theory. In the #2 scenario - I tend to believe it is sometimes possible - if you admit something is wrong and are both willing to work on it - to save the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes, it's just the signal that you need to call it quits.
#2 - The girl is extremely jealous and the guy has never and would never do ANYTHING. I am not sure, but from what I at least used to know about him, I assume this would be the case with T. In this case, which I've also seen many times, I used to get really frustrated that the guy was staying with a girl that from all indications - even if he liked their alone time together when it wasn't a fight and dealing with jealousy - he is miserable the majority of the time and is constantly complaining about her and the jealousy issue. However, he still tends to spend LONG periods of time dating this woman. I've admittedly been frustrated with these guys before because I get sick of hearing about it and I just DON'T get it. It's especially irritating when I am not that way (granted I, like everyone, has my own issues) and I can't seem to find anyone really long term. They complain about it, BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE! Not too long ago - someone was complaining about their girlfriend and her jealousy to me, and it hit me. There is part of them that likes it! They thrive on it! Even though in ways it drives them nuts, they have such a need to feel wanted and needed, more so than we all do (or in a more damaged way), that they like it - whether they will admit that or not. I've gotten to the point that with these guys, I've just stopped letting them vent to me. They can do it here or there, and every once in awhile I'll say my piece - but ultimately, I don't want to hear you complain about it, if you aren't willing or ready to do anything about it. It's like a battered woman, coming to you over and over again - saying she'll leave and sometimes even doing it, but ultimately going back. It's a vicious cycle. For the jealous person and the other person.
Now, just to be clear, I have my own trust issues, but mine don't have as much to do with jealousy. I joke that I've never been worried about anyone cheating on me because I know they'll dump me first. Granted, that is probably for the best, but still, it does speak to my trust issues about someone meaning what they stay, giving things a chance, and, quite simply sticking around - but more on all that at another time!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Hot Doctor
So today I had my annual GYN appt. at a new GYN office close to where I live. I normally ask for a woman but on the insurance website it seemed like most of the doctors were women so when I actually FINALLY got an appt. (as we women know, it can take FOREVER - esp. for an annual and esp. if you are a new patient) I didn't think to ask. So there I am, in the room, naked under my lovely coral gown and paper sheet, and who comes in the room as my Dr.? A guy - and not just any guy - a YOUNG HOT guy. So I'm blushing and flustered not just because I was expecting a woman but also because the person who is going to be checking my lady parts is a guy who if I met under any other circumstances I would go out with him in a heartbeat! And while nothing about a GYN appt. is remotely arousing, all I could think was - boy, I'm glad I trimmed down there today, and I hope he likes my breasts! Seriously, I could FEEL how red my face was! The, when he's doing the finger part of the exam, I'm thinking - when this guy is fooling around with a girl - when he fingers her does he check for abnormalities? Can he play with her breasts and not feel for lumps? Would he ever want to go down on a girl when he spends a good portion of the day, every day, looking down there? I wonder if being a GYN would be a plus or minus in the bedroom? Of course maybe he's gay. Is he single? I don't see a ring, but maybe he takes it off for work - that would make sense. Oh my god, he's hot - I wonder if he thinks I'm cute - even if he did he's my doctor now - he couldn't ask me out. That would be weird. On our first date he'd have already seen the goods!
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