Mail Order Husbands - this site is hilarious

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

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New Series: Hey, at least I got a free dinner (and drinks!)

So I meet this guy, K, at National Mechanics one night. He's sitting there alone, looking bored and every once in awhile trying (fairly unsuccessfully) to ask the pretty bartender about whether or not she has read a story he apparently sent her. She says no with a look on her face like "for god's sake leave me alone!" I'm bored and waiting for someone and the two of us start talking. Before he leaves he asks for my number and asks if I would like to go out for dinner sometime. He seems nice enough and kind of cute so of course I say yes. Eventually (and to my surprise) he actually does call and confirms our date. We decide to meet at Zento, my favorite sushi place in Old City. While the conversation flows pretty well, he starts it off (and most of it ends up being) about his past dating life and in ways I already feel like we've drifted into more of a friend mode, with me basically playing the therapist. Though it's pretty obvious to me that he's not feeling it all that much with me, nor me with him, we are still having a fine time and we decide to go over to National Mechanics to watch the Phillies. On the way over he starts talking about the bartender that I saw him talking to (and being ignored by) on the night we met. he starts off about how she is so beautiful and great and they've talked a lot and have this amzing connection and she is just beautiful and incredible but she has a boyfriend and the only reason she was ignoring him was because she is afraid of the intensity of her feelings towards him and doesn't think she can really talk to him because of her boyfriend but he knows she's into him because someone has told him. This goes on for pretty much the whole two blocks as we are walking to National Mechanics. Now sure, I knew this probably wasn't going to go anywhere with him, but come on, we are still on a date and you are spending all this time telling me about how great this other woman is and how beautiful she is and how perfect she is to you? I mean, what am I, a consolation prize? I'm the girl you go on a date with because the one you really want has a boyfriend? Plus, talk about being delusional - I highly doubt that she is secretly in love with him and only ignores him because "her feelings towards him are so strong," or whatever. So we're almost there and he sees that I'm a little hurt/pissed and he says - "I guess that was kind of rude, huh?" and I'm like, "kind of rude? You just spent the past few minutes gushing about how wonderful this other girl is - TO YOUR DATE!" Anyway, he apologizes again and asks if he should just go home and (yell at me for this if you want, but I think it's only fair) I say (sort of teasing, but mostly not) that we both want to see the game and it probably wasn't going to work out between us anyway but if he's going to stay, he at least better be buying me drinks! Ha. Anyway, he says that's only fair and, though I'm not exactly the friendliest to him while we're there, at least at first, I figure I might as well just enjoy myself - plus, as I even told him, at the very least it was good blog material!

Adventures in Online Dating: OkCupid Edition

Wow. Since I've started looking around OkCupid again I have e-met some, well, interesting folks. Now, don't get me wrong, there are surprisingly a lot of very cute and seemingly somewhat interesting guys on OkCupid - much more so than PlentyOfFish the other free online dating site. Still, you also find a lot of weirdos.

Guy #1: So the first guy I respond back too is in real estate and lives in the city - he's very cute in all his pictures, his profile is smart, clever and funny. I start talking to him on the OkCupid IM. First thing he tells me about is watching Judge Judy with some crazy ex-girfriend - This leads into talk about excessive jealousy in relationships. Now I'm the type of person that if I'm out with a guy I'm dating and we go into a bar and I happen to know the bouncer or the bartender I will say hi and give them a hug - that's just who I am - it means absolutely nothing. I need a guy who can handle that. Plus, as I told him (and as I've told other guys who have said to me at times - oh, but that guy wants to sleep with you) many guys want to or at least would sleep with almost any even slightly attractive woman. They might or they might not want to but why does it matter when it's never going to happen? I really don't understand the problem*. I started talking about even when you are single how certain men seem to be delusional about their chances with you. I said that it seems like men often overestimate their attractiveness and women often underestimate. He seemed to take great offense to this and said that almost all women think they are hot and good in bed and most of them aren't. I said I didn't agree with that statement although, in general I do feel that if you make a big point of making overarching statements about how good a kisser you are or how good you are in bed (especially men!) you probably aren't, or at least aren't as good as you think you are (see my previous blog about red flags!). Honestly, a lot of it is a matter of how you mesh with the other person. Though I think in general there are some things that people do that are generally thought of as bad (i.e. for kissing: the fish mouth , too much tongue, too much saliva, and for sex: the jackhammer, and the woman that just lies there like a dead fish. Still, some people just like different things and like things done different ways. Still some people just are bad (think the sex in the city where the guy pounds her like a jackhammer and then is mad because she doesn't want to sleep with him again). Anyway, after a little while of this conversation he says something like "Why can't you just let it go? You must just hate men because you think you're bad in bed." I say, "whoa, hold on here #1 - you were the one that brought this topic up, #2 - I was under the impression this was just a friendly discussion, and #3 - I never said anything about whether I thought I was bad or good in bed. Needless to say, that discussion ended there. Frankly I'm not sure why I didn't end it earlier.

*After writing this I went to check out the latest on Shmitten Kitten and came across a post about pretty much this exact thing entitled: "Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Wow, You Really Know A Lot of Guys Here" - Very funny, and very worth checking out!

Guy #2: I am online and get an IM from him. It says "ruff, ruff, I am a human dog." I wouldn't have responded at all, but another (seemingly normal) guy that I am talking too suggests I ask him: "Has that worked in the past or are you trying new material?" He replied with "i like to wear a collar and leash. Just for the sake of curiosity I go to his profile and his headline says: "I am Male Submissive, Puppy Slave, and Rimmer." Basically his profile says much of the same plus a lot of other, um, interesting words and phrases strung together and cut and pasted into every part of the profile. I will not repost it here because god knows I don't want people searching for that stuff and coming to my site!

Guy #3: This is an IM I get today - he just says "hi" to start. I look at his profile. To start, his title is this: "I am loveing, happy, and im good." His profile answers are as follows (and the funny thing is, at the very end he says that he enjoys engaging in intelligent conversation - hmmm...):

My Self-Summary:
I like to dance I'm a good dancer i like to hang out with my friends and the girls i like to go to the movies the mall the bars and the clubs. I love to dance with the girls and my friends like you so if you want to hang out with me than you need to give me you e-mail address or your cell phone number. If you want to talk to me you can give me your cell phone number and i will call you or your e-mail address so i can I'm you or send you e-mail to you What I’m doing with my life
what are you doing with your life?:
i work at a hotel . and when i have free time I'm hang out with my friends and go out with my friends as friends. I’m really good at
I'm a good dancer
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
nothing i don't have a favorite book but i like to read. i like all kinds of music On a typical Friday night I am:
I'm looking for a friend a and someone to meet with me. I like to read i like to dance I'm a good dancer. I like to hang out with my friends. and the girls i like to go to the movies the mall the bars and the clubs. I'm a good dancer i love to dance withe the girls. and my friends like you so if you want to hang out with me. than you need to give me you e-mail address or your cell phone number. if you want to talk to me you can give me your cell phone number. and i will call you or your e-mail address so i can im you or send you e-mail to you. You should message me if
I'm looking for a friend a and im looking for a friend to meet with me meet with me.I enjoy spending time with my close friends, but i also enjoying going out partying. I love to hit the club or a bar. A good drink is necessary.

By the way, i also find it interesting that his describes himself as a very serious catholic who is also very serious about his astrological sign. And, the clincher, under language he puts "English (okay)."

To his credit, at least this one sounds like he's probably a nice guy, just a nice guy who is, well, let's just say I doubt you need "intelligent conversation" with him. I'm surprised he even spelled intelligent right!

Roses From the Wrong Man

This happened to me recently - no roses, but still. I always think I want to have a guy be smitten over me but the problem is, when it happens (and it only does rarely), it's always been with a guy with whom, no matter how hard I try, I just can't return those feelings. The absolute worst is trying to tell them that it's not just that you are not sure that's it's right, it's that you know that it isn't. I've only really had to do this twice, thank god, and both times it's just crushed me, but I knew I had to do it because both were SUCH nice guys and though I tried to give it a chance I realized fairly quickly that romantic feeling just weren't going to develop and it wouldn't have been fair to lead them on or to just disappear. I guess I hate it too because it's been me on the other end so many times and I know damn well how much it can hurt. In a way, this is part of the reason I think I've been broken up with more than I've broken up with people - I've has situations where I've stuck it out to the point where I'm kind of relieved when it happens mostly so that I don't have to be the one to do it. But that was never the right way to deal with things and although it's harder, I guess I'm glad that I'm now better able to say - this isn't right, lets end it before anyone gets REALLY hurt. Anyway, this song kind of says it all:

"Roses From the Wrong Man" by Christine Lavin

She opened the door, surprised to see a deliveryman
Holding a beautiful vase of roses in his hands.
"For me?" she said; he nodded his head.
She took the flowers in and read the note.

(Chorus)
Roses from the wrong man;
Poetry written in the wrong hand.
She waits for one; she hears from another
Who tells her how much he loves her
With roses from the wrong man.

She places the vase in the middle of the living room.
The air is scented with the delicate sweet perfume.
She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes,
Shakes her head slowly and sighs.

(Chorus)

How long can she hold out for someone who might never come around?
And how many times will this other man try when she keeps turning him down?
She's not getting any younger, but she don't want to settle for less.
Oh, how can such a pretty bunch of flowers trigger such deep unhappiness?

Ever since she was 11 or 12 it was her dream
To receive the kind of flowers carried by the homecoming queen.
And sometimes dreams can come true
In ways you don't expect them to.
Sometimes dreams can come true
In ways you don't want them to.
Roses from the wrong man.

Cancer Schmancer

So today I was checking out Schmitten Kitten and I came across this post:

Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: He Might Be Dying Soon (But He Probably Isn't)



Anyhoo, I started to write this as a comment but realized it was more like a story so I figured I might as well just post it here instead.



So a few years ago I ran into a guy I had known to at least a minor extent since I was maybe 2. He was my age, and when he was maybe 4 or something he was diagnosed with Leukemia. My parents were close friends with his parents for awhile and I remember playing over there and the big celebration party when he got better. Through middle school and high school, possibly in part due to all the attention (however relevant that attention was) relished on him when he was a kid, he became a real obnoxious asshole. Suffice to say, I never liked him much. But when I ran into him years after graduating from high school he seemed like a changed guy. We started hanging out and even briefly dated though that didn't last long because he was just TOO intensely cutesy and touchy feely ALL the time, and he did things like writing love poems which I had to pretend were sweet but really just made me want to gag. So while we were dating he told me ALL these stories. He had hiked the Appalacian Trail. He had lived down in Texas (across the lake from one of Sandra Bullocks's houses, he claimed). He had developed brain cancer in high school which was why he left school for awhile, and he had had at least one relapse since then. He had been engaged down in Texas but his fiance died. While in most instances I would have been skeptical that all these stories were true (and I was a little bit), but he did show me pictures, and he seemed so sincere and because I thought he had been through a lot I gave him the benefit of the doubt.



After we broke up, we remained friends and eventually he started dating a girl, moved in with her and fairly rapidly got engaged. I thought it was all a little fast, but at least she seemed nice enough and he seemed happy. Awhile after they were engaged he called me and told me they had broken it off but were still living together until they could find other places. As they had gotten engaged so fast, I believed him. A little while after that he called me sounding really upset. He came over to my apartment down the street from his, and he told me that he had found out his cancer had relapsed and because of all the chemo and treatments he had been trhough in the past the doctor said his body couldn't take anymore and he only had a few more months to live. He said he wasn't going to tell his ex-fiance because she was his ex and he didn't want his parents to know yet. I tried unsuccessfully to convince him to tell them, but he refused and he said I was the only one he had told because I was the only one he trusted. He cried and I cried and we hugged and then he left asnd said he wanted to be alone. The next day I invited him over to just hang out and watch movies to try to destract him and to keep him company. It was then he started getting and handsy and asked if I would "make love to him." Not only did I have a boyfriend at the time, I was too upset and numb to even think about sex - for the two or three weeks I actually believed or kind of believed him, I was too upset to even have sex with my OWN boyfriend, much less him. I told him no, and he got all quiet and said he was going to go for a long walk. The next morning I got a call from my mom who had gotten a call from his mom who had gotten a call from his fiance. Yes, apparently, if they had broken up, at least his parents didn't know about it and maybe neither did she. Apparently he hadn't come home and knowing that at the time I was his best friend, thought I might know where he was. Although he eventually showed back up, at this point I was even more upset and confused and gave in and told my mom with the promise that she wouldn't say anything to his parents. I also called a support center for cancer patients, especially terminal ones, and their friends and loved ones. I was going to try to get myself into a support group, and was going to try to convince him too as well even if he wouldn't tell his parents. I would be the best friend I could be.



So I call and I talk to a counseler for a phone consultation and I tell him the story - everything - he get's quiet, then he says to me, in essence, that it sounded like my friend might be lying. he said, of course, that he couldn't be sure, but that this kind of behavior was actually not uncommon amongst cancer patients and/or cancer survivors. That they would get so used to having ALL this attention that even when they were doing better or were completely fine, they might use cancer, and sometimes dying of cancer, to get more of that attention, to get sex, to get money, drugs, what have you. He encouraged me to try to find out more about the situation and to just be aware that although he could be telling the truth or part of the truth, it also may have basically been an elaborate lie to get back into my pants.



At this point I asked my mother to talk to his parents about what was going on. They told my mother that they knew his doctors and they really didn't think anything was wrong but they would pay attention and would let me know if they found out anything about him REALLY being sick. At this point I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't want the guy who I had thought was one of my best friends to be dying of cancer, but I also didn't want to think that he had lied to me about something SO big and SO serious, KNOWING how I would react, just to maybe have sex with me again? Did I know him at all? Was anything he told me the truth?



I became even more suspicious as time went on and he would call and I would ask him how he was and he's be like "I'm fine! I feel great, why do you ask?" Why do I ask? Umm, because you told me you are DYING OF CANCER. Then I just started avoiding his phone calls and avoiding him. Thought it was getting increasingly here that all signs pointed to lying, how could I just come out and ask him? Hey, are you lying about dying of cancer? Obviously he didn't die. I told his parents that if he ever ACTUALLY was dying of cancer and THEY contacted me, that was the only way I would ever see or speak to him again. They understood why.

Speed Dating Fun?

So last night I decided to try the Schmitten Kitten Mixed Tap Speed Dating at the Khyber. I give the good folks at Schmitten Kitten props for trying something a little bit new speed-dating wise. It was definitely more interesting than other speed-dating events I've been to (I've only been to two before) and, even though I didn't love it, at least it only cost me $5 and that included a free drink (unlike others that cost $25-$35 and don't even give you a drink!).

Good:

1. Again, the price can't be beat - $5 if you sign up before hand, $8 if you don't, plus you get a free drink coupon.

In-Between:

1. The crowd is at least slightly different than regular speed-dating I've been to. It makes it a bit more interesting, but even though I'm sometimes kind of into some more alternative-y guys, they never seem to be to me, so doesn't do me much good.

2. The time for each "date" was MUCH shorter than any other speed dating I've heard of. While in ways this is good, I found (and I think most people agreed) that a minute and a half was TOO short - I think 3 minutes would be ideal - just enough but not too much.

3. The amount of guys - this one leans more towards the bad because there were definitely A LOT less guys than girls - makes the competition stiffer for us. Still, in ways it was good because there were three rounds and many guys repeated rounds giving the girls more of a chance to meet guys they might not have met if there had been more men. Unfortunately though, some of the guys that came around more than once may not have been the ones you might have wanted.

4. While the song idea was cool, the music, at least last night was a little too loud making it somewhat hard to hear.

Bad:

1. While they might do things differently next time, last night they apprently only let the matches know that were winners of the raffle. So even if you did get a match, if you didn't win the raffle you wouldn't even know about it. Seems to sort of defeat the purpose.

2. People that - even if they weren't actually couples - were certainly acting like it - makes it somewhat embaressing for the people that might have chosen that person to then see them basically making out with someone that they obviously haven't just met at the bar.

3. In many ways it's just kind of exhausting, plus it's easy to feel almost triple the rejection. For example, last night the guy I was most interested in had a match with a different girl and they won the gift certificate to Cantina. The second guy I chose, seemed somewhat interested in me, and may have chosen me as one of his matches but he was quite obviously more into a different girl (who fairly obviously couldn't have cared less about him). The third guy I chose I saw after the speed dating talking to a girl who - although they weren't the ones making out at the bar -definitely seemed to be somewhat romantically involved with him.

4. Again, there simply weren't that many guys to choose from and many of them (as it's often seemed to be with speed dating) were the kind of guys that just seem kind of socially inept when it comes to women.


Will I do it again? Perhaps, but only if a friend really wants to go and even then mainly only because it's cheap, and I get a free drink!

Red Flags

1. When a guy says right off the bat that he's a "good" or even a "great" kisser, you can safely assume that he's not.

2. When a guy you have met online sends you a shirtless picture he has taken himself in the bathroom. While this is bad enough, needless to say, the penis shot is even worse.

3. When a guy wants to take you to a strip club on a first date. Even worse when the guy is on a first name basis with pretty much everyone who works there.

4. When a guy you have pretty much just met says things to you like, "You are going to kiss me now" (not after the comment, I'm not) or "I'm going home with you later" (If you ever had ANY chance of getting in my pants at any point in time, you no longer do).

5. When a guy not only says he would never want to have kids because he's too selfish, but also because they might end up being autistic and that even if he was married and they had an autistic child he would leave them both in a heartbeat.

6. When, after the basic first date questions, the silence is so extreme you feel like if you were on a sitcom this is when the laugh track would kick in.

7. When a guy spends most of your first date talking about what a "bitch" and a "whore" his ex is.

8. When you are on vacation with your boyfriend of four months who is 22 and still a virgin (you aren't) who also likes Anne Geddes babies and is obsessed with the Golden Girls and you come out of the bathroom in a red silk number from Victoria's Secret and he says - "It looks soft. I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm going to go to bed."